Wednesday, April 30, 2008


I've talked quite a bit this month about threes and trinities. Here is one more, to end April, and to start May.

I love Paulo Coehlo's writings. They have been uplifting and eye-opening for me as I have been making my way through a tough patch. They give me inspiration, and hope for tomorrow, and the next day.

Here is today's quote. From the outside, it may seem as if I am suffering. But as I seek my goal, the quest makes me happy.

Here are some samples of Carlos Castaneda's writings about being a warrior. There are no violent connotations to this sort of warrior, one of the spirit.

The most difficult thing in this world is to adopt the spirit and attitude of a warrior. It is no use being sad, complaining, feeling unjustly treated, and believing someone is doing something negative. No one is doing anything, and certainly not to a warrior.

And, here is the latest Warrior of Light newsletter. He talks about what I do here many days, which is write what is in my heart. It does take a certain amount of courage to open your heart and soul up and allow others in. This way, it is not an intrusion. Writers want you inside of their souls.

Since letters, words and sentences are traced out on paper, there is no reason to feel tense. The hand that writes eventually comes to rest, and the heart of the person who dared to share his or her feelings smiles.

Thank you, Mr. Coehlo.


Power of words

I was going to take a snippet from this article, but decided to just link to it. It's than Rev. Wright, it's about not being vindicative, but being as good as we can be, at every possible moment.

End of tha month

Another 30 days in the books. Another 31 to come.

Now what?

Each day I will treat as I have treated the last--as a lifetime.

And what of the pulses. I know what they are. What good can I do with them?


High wire

There's a documentary out on a Frenchman who wire-walked across the World Trade Center towers in 1974. I love the quote about him being scared....

"Scared is such a little word," says Petit. "Terror is much more noble."

And another great quote...
When a friend answered his phone and said the makers of Sweet'N Low were calling with a proposal, Petit said, "Hang up on them. I am strong and high."

And this...
"If an artist is not a little famished, then something is wrong."

That last one is great. I want to stay hungry.


The ecology

I want my partner, lover, soulmate to thrive in an environment that gives her nourishment, joy, happiness and love.



Outro vechera mudrenn'ee

(Morning is wiser than night)

Good morning, indeed.


Tuesday, April 29, 2008


I am grateful that everyday is a lifetime, to be explored fully.

I am grateful that the energy continues to course through me.

I am grateful for the test.

I am grateful to be a finder.

I am grateful for now.

The vision thing

What is my vision for myself?

To be in a great, loving relationship with a great, loving woman.

To write and edit, hopefully online.

To not need too much materially, but to take and give everything I can spiritually and emotionally that is good.

To be happy.

To be.


Two thoughts

Just thoughts, that's all...
I am often bemused by what happens around me, even the sad things. But don't you dare color me naive.
A genie in the bottle
The genie has helped others get their wishes. But the genie still awaits his wish. As he writes and writes about it.

Losses and gains

I may lose some things in life. I will always have my empathy and compassion for others.

A simple question, a simple answer

Do I want, or do I need, someone special in my life?
Both. I need someone in my life, yes. Is there a need? Yes.
A need to be greater than myself.
The want, remains as strong.
The want is of my wanting to give to someone what I have inside of me, all the things I have that flow outward.


Spiritual seekers particularly are on a quest to understand life; we want to examine our own lives and find meaning in what we do and who we are. ... We find meaning in the seeking itself. Every step along the way is the Way...
Lama Das


Monday, April 28, 2008

It's time

for me to return to my thin place.



Mountain climbing

I love Paulo Coehlo and his quotes. They are always fresh and thought-provoking.

Like today's.

I wish one part of my life was less of a rollercoaster, or less of a mountain. But it is, and I am riding and climbing well.

I am not angry about what I lack. I am dissatisfied, yes, but the quest makes me happy. The challenge makes me happy.



I am in possession of the most incredible energy, passion, to be everything I can be for myself, and more importantly, for someone else. Everyday, I am like this. And everyday, I pour out what I have here.

I have to, because what I have and what I feel cannot be contained in me. It has to be outside of me. It is not where I want it to be (or, perhaps it is, in some way). I can't contain it. And I make no apologies for not containing it, and I make no apologies for how I feel. It is as ingrained in me as anything I have felt in my life.

I want to pour this out. I want the world, the universe, the roots, the soil, to know what I have. I want this rooted into the ground, and I want it stretching into the sky. I want this feeling, this state, to be me. And I want it to be for someone else.

This morning, I quoted Pablo Neruda. I can't say it any better than him. I want to make someone blossom like a cherry tree. I want to nourish their roots, their buds, their leaves, their beautiful flowers, their beautiful fruit.

I can't think of anything more beautiful to give to someone. I don't want to be possessive of what I have. I never want to be that way.



The sound of the rain pounding against the window does much to soothe and nourish my soul.


Song and dance

My soul dances on invisible streams of air. It moves gracefully, expanding itself outward.

What music does my soul dance to? The music of the heart, which sings notes of love, possibility, potential. It sings harmonies of life.

It sings of the limitless energy I have.

It sings of all the things my heart wants to give to someone, and to be for someone.
It moves to the rhythm of the heart and to the rhythm of life.


It's always springtime

Simply, this is all I seek to do, and all the nourishment I seek to give, to a woman. At any moment...

“I want to do to you what spring does with the cherry trees.”

Pablo Neruda

Good morning


Sunday, April 27, 2008

Eyes wide open

Dear chehaw,

So, another month is drawing to a close. Where are you? Not physically, but spiritually, emotionally?

If I may be so bold to guess, I think you look like you are in the same place as you were at the beginning of the month. I say look because it's hard to tell where you are, or where anyone is, by merely looking at the face and body. After all, the body is only the container for the soul.

I think your soul feels good. You don't feel as happy as you could feel. But you remain as confident as ever about your quest. You feel the rivers of life flowing in you all the time, and all you want to do is to let those waters flow out of you to someone. Something so simple, and so complex, all at once.

You have doubts and lonely times, I know you don't deny this. And you treat these as they should be treated, as temporary. What fuels you is hope, faith and belief. You believe in what you can do and what you can be for the heart and the soul of a woman. You have always known you can uplift someone. Your style is a little different, yes. But your intentions are always good.

I have to agree with your friend. I have difficulty imagining why any woman wouldn't want what you have, and are willing to give. Why someone won't take the shield of protection you hold out for them is beyond me.

And still. In your quiet way, you remain extraordinary. Your resiliency is remarkable. I sense it's that why because you never lose sight of what you have. And what you want to give.

Keep your eyes open.


What's happening

Quite a lot, actually...

Coehlo trinity

A three-fer from our old friend...

Suffering has no strength to wound a weary body.


The brave are always stubborn.


Courage is fear that prays.

Diplomatic core

A friend mentioned to me that I am diplomatic. Yep, sure am.

I see myself as a protector, a confidante, not a fighter. When I take you to my side, there is no better place for you to be. I am going to look out for you, protect you from the storms of life as best as I can, and build you up.

Do I get myself in trouble for this? Oh, yes. I sacrifice a hell of a lot of me. But I always have more to give.

But as I've said before, I am not in my life solely for me. I am in my life for others. What builds you up, builds me up. If I can't give my love in some ways, this is the way for me to do it. I want to continue doing this.

At any moment, I am going to give you the best of what I have. Even if you may not want it.


Dream shift

The weird, wonderful dreams I had on Saturday shift to Sunday.

And there's a trinity involved.

I can't figure out what the trucker means. If there's a load I'm carrying, it's fuel.

The really dark fog that was on the highway magically cleared.

And the sign on the highway looked very familiar, leading to something.


Color scheme

Peep this.

For kicks, I took this internet test. To see what I am like. (As if I didn't know.)

It says I am a considerate leader. Interesting. But I need to work on the shyness thing, apparently. Yeah, yeah, I know.

Ah, but here's the thing: According to this, I am very confident.

Yes I am. There's nothing like getting your butt kicked to boost your confidence.

Not fade away

Just so you know. Yes, the pulses are still there. A little steadier.

And just as the pulses haven't faded, neither has my desire, my ability, my longing, to be all I can be for someone. It remains ever-present.

More trinities

Three more things I have:



The voice is back

Talking about threes...

Saturday, April 26, 2008

As big as my heart is, it wants to receive as well as give. I treat it like a child and give it every advantage I can.



Aren't regrets. They are an opportunity, second chances for improvement.


Not lonely

When I look at other couples, I don't feel alone, or jealous or
envious. I feel good, fortified, knowing that I have what they have
the juice. I only lack the vessel in which to pour it.



No, I'm not the greatest starter in the world. That's why I work to be
the best finisher I can be.

Trinity kick

I'm on a run of threes lately.

I can do more.

I can be more.

I can give more.


Three times

This time, another trinity. More tangible.

A trinity, with two lives I've affected. Both reachable, but ungraspable.

And me in the middle.



The roots of me keep growing deeper.


The headline says it all

It really does.

And thank goodness it's more than this. I am going for more than this.

You see, if I were playing a game, it's not a game played for four quarters, or nine innings, or three periods.

It is a game I am playing at every moment, at any moment. I am playing it for the good, for keeps, for the best.




I feel good about the goodness I have to give.



Am I ever going to be gassed, exhausted by my quest?


Remember, I am inexhaustible.

Friday, April 25, 2008

Trinity of pride

I am proud of the way I look.

I am more proud of the good health I feel inside.

I am even more proud of my capacity of my heart and what it can do.

It's that last one that outweighs the others.


Hope and faith

If this guy can land on his feet, so can I.

I'm not naive, or stupid, or blind, or a wimp.

I see what is real, now.

I go beyond its surly bonds.


Thank you again

Thank you again for your strength.

Thank you for being my muse.

A sight to behold

A woman's outer beauty is amazing. But it pales when compared to inner
soul, heart, spirit, strength.

Thank you for being my muse.


Thank you

Thank you for the challenge.

Thank you for the vessel.

Thank you for showing that selfless is best.

Thank you for showing me that it is healthy.

Thank you for making me smile.

Thank you for making my heart light.

Thank you for making this a beautiful day.

Thank you for helping me showcase my goodness.

Thank you for taking advantage of me.

Thank you for letting me take advantage of you.

Thank you for being the bellows for my fire.

Thank you for making every day a glorious lifetime.

Thank you for helping me display and give true love.

Thank you for being my sensei.

Thank you for letting me say thank you.

Thank you for letting me say namaste.

Thank you for you.

The road less traveled

No, I should not be going down the road I am on.

Generally, it ends in disaster.

But I am beyond disaster, defeat (or, at least I hope I am).

I am going to be as good as I can be. I make no apologies for being less.


Doing. Being. Becoming.

And a secret trinity for today...

Be the one

“For every nine people who denounce innovation, only one will encourage it...for every nine people who do things the way they have always been done, only one will ever wonder if there is a better way...for every nine people who stand in line in front of a locked building, only one will ever come around and check the back door. "

Za Rinpoche & Ashley Nebelsieck, from the book "The Back Door to Enlightenment"

I want to be the one...

If he could say this

You can too.

“I am but a poor struggling soul yearning to be wholly good, wholly truthful and wholly non-violent in thought, word and deed, but ever failing to reach the ideal which I know to be true. It is a painful climb, but the pain of it is a positive pleasure to me. Each step upwards makes me feel stronger and fit for the next.”


Thursday, April 24, 2008

I am grateful for the challenge.


Eternal flame

No, the fire I have inside me refuses to be snuffed out.

It burns bright.


I never thought

I'd ever, ever disagree with the Dalai Lama. But I am.

In my own experience, the period of greatest gain in knowledge and experience is the most difficult period in one's life. ...Through a difficult period, you can learn, you can develop inner strength, determination, and courage to face the problem. Who gives you this chance? Your enemy.

I see where he's coming from, having to deal with the Chinese authorities. However.

I agree with him up to the last sentence. There, I substitute friend for enemy.

(Just looking at the home page of the web site makes me smile.)


Just as you are

Now, here is something I like. (And it should dismiss any notion of me being a mystical sad-sack.)

Remember the movie Weird Science? Remember the hot babe the two scientists made, Kelly LeBrock?

Well, I happened to be watching Extra, and they had a segment on her and how she deals with weight.

Watch this segment. Seeing her, you wouldn't think she's 48 and weighs 169 pounds.

And some chuckleheads in Hollywood call her fat.

She is a beautiful, gorgeous woman, just as she is now. Why should she starve herself to fit some nonsensical idea of image?

I've said this before, and it still holds--the mirror can't tell you everything. It can't tell you what lies in your soul.

And, why can't people take others just as they are? Strange...


A wise sage can say something better than me.

Come, come, whoever you are.
Wonderer, worshipper, lover of leaving.
It doesn't matter.
Ours is not a caravan of despair.
Come, even if you have broken your vow
a thousand times
Come, yet again, come, come.


Wakeful message

Whenever I wake up, from a night's sleep or a nap, this is what my brain tells my soul:

You are capable of doing everything your heart and soul desire and seek.

And you will have them.


Under construction

I am not in the business of the destruction, of draining, of tearing down anything or anyone.

I am in the business of building up. Of strengthening. Of solidifying. Of nourishing.

This is why I am here. This is what I seek to do.

In the ground

I write so much about what I want and what I can do because I want to
root it into the ground, let its roots spread, and become stronger. I
want it to be like the axis mundi.


The return

Right now, I feel like I am everything, and one, all at once.

I remain in the state where I can give to someone everything, and be everything to someone.

There is nothing for me to be sad about. Why would I feel sad about wanting to give all I have to give?

I want to give it all. All that is deep inside, and let it flow outward. Let the pulses, the vibrations I feel right now, root deep into the ground and stretch to the heavens.


Sometimes the unseen is more powerful than the seen.

I am grateful for seeing this.


Another trinity

Luck, will, and skill.

Or as Ralph Ellison would call it:

Shit, grit and mother wit.

More dreams

Yes, they are back. Somewhat.

A dream about a house, and riding a bike in it.

A dream of the countryside, and becoming new again.

A dream of overcoming barriers.

When you wake and this song by this band is in your head...

it's going to be a good day.

Good morning.


Wednesday, April 23, 2008

First life

I've never understood the attraction to the game Second Life. It's a virtual environment where you create an 'avatar,' a virtual self, to do what you do in your normal life. Or what you'd like to do. Look, my first life is interesting enough as it is. Why do I want what Second Life is offering? Or, why do I want to run away from my first life?
I am not on this earth to smother anyone. I am on this earth to give my heart and my soul.

Nothing less. Nothing more. Just that.


Why I like Brussels so much

It's not a cookie-cutter place. It is comfortable in its quirks and idiosyncrasies. And when the sun shines, it's even more beautiful there. And the rain nourishes its young soul.

Three is a magic number

What is it with me and trinities?

From our friend Paulo Coelho.

Courier service

What, exactly, is my body? Other than nitrogen, oxygen, hydrogen and trace elements?

It is just a package.

Containing beautiful, wonderful, amazing (!) things. Thoughts, feelings, joys. Gifts.



Planting seeds

I've put my intention out into the universe.

I'm putting my intention into the earth, so it can be nourished there.

I want a great, loving relationship with a great, loving woman.


Lifting weights in the morning is a good time to be in thought.

Those barbells I lift are for my health. I want to be healthy. And if I look better, all the better.

I thought, maybe that's my problem, that I don't care as much as about my physical appearance as I should. This isn't to say I am a slob. I dress reasonably well. I've been told I'm a good-looking guy.

But there is something I know. Physical appearance lessens over time. Bones get brittle. Posture stoops. Brisk gaits become shuffles. As my doctor said, we can flatten the downhill slope.

The muscles I cultivate every day are the spirit and the heart. I build them, bit by bit, piece by piece, moment by moment. These are the muscles I want more than anything.

I know, I can entice a woman by my physical appearance. I can't keep her if my spirit and heart aren't stronger than my biceps.

And yes, they are.

My body is going to wear down. I'm fine with that. My physical energy wanes.

My heart and my mind will not wear down, if I have anything to say about it. My psychic energy is refueled every moment.

My body is a container for what truly matters, what I can truly give--my heart and my spirit.

I think of my grandmother, her gait slowed, stooped over, walking with a cane. Her physical body is betrayed. Her mind hasn't. She still has some toughness to her, and her heart is still tender.

What she still has I want to cultivate every day. I want to build muscles that don't wane.

What I am building, is being built to last.


Tuesday, April 22, 2008


The Cosby story is still crystallizing in my mind. All of the good that I seek and want to be as a man is there.

If you wonder why I seem so damn obsessive, work so damn hard, try so damn hard, want this so damn much, feel what I feel so damn deeply, read it again.

I want to be as selfless as I can possibly be for someone. I don't want to be in my life for me, I want to be in my life for someone else. If this exposes me to getting my ass kicked, so be it.

I just don't give a damn. In this moment, I know what I can be. And I will be it.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not angry. I feel this very deeply. And no, I'm not letting go of what I can do and what I can be.

(Ok, maybe I'm a little defiant.)

The real Cosby show

This is an important story. Yes, it's long. But it must be read. It's about Bill Cosby's fight to lift the black community. It was important for me as a black man to read this. And I'll read it again.

Cosby's childhood story somewhat mirrors mine, being raised in a broken home. He doesn't make excuses, and neither do I.

The story evokes in me everything I want to be as a man--a lover, a friend, a teacher, a confidante, a protector, a partner. This is why I struggle, fight, persist, strive for more. This is I am so damn optimistic. Because I know I am these things.

Soothing notes

There is a piece of classical music that pops into my head when I reach a state of bliss, or when I'm a little stressed.

And damn if I can remember the name.

But I hear it now, and it gives me goosebumps. Soothes my soul. Makes me smile.



The hill

I dreamt of another hill last night. This time, I was on top of it, looking down. On home. On the place in which I want to be.


Monday, April 21, 2008

Overhead lights

I had to dash outside, and in the quiet and stillness of the night, I looked up.

And the heavens lit the night.

Stars upon stars. The gateway to the universe.

Tonight, the Big Dipper is over my head, literally. What is it pouring out?

Everything I need and everything I want.



More trinity

That dream I had this morning? Of the mountain, the hole and the city? It was all in one.

I think.

The hole? It means I am building a foundation. (Or I'm digging out of a hole.)

The mountain. I have to climb it.

The city on a hill? It's at the top of the mountain.

And all three are in the same place.


Having more

I have empathy for children, because I was once a child. In some ways, I still am.

I have empathy for adults because I am one.

Remember the crying man I saw on the train? I have empathy for him, because I know what it's like to be sad.

My empathy doesn't wane.



Visions in the night...

of holes climbed out of.
of mountains climbed.
of a city on a hill.
of holding hands.


More than typical

I want to be more than a typical male. Spiritually, emotionally, I want to be rich, deep and soulful. I want to be everything I can possibly be.

More than what Tina Turner sings about.


Whether I've gone home, home or home, the state of my soul has not changed. It's remained the same.

Good morning



I know that flowers can't grow in tight soil. Yours can't, and neither can mine.

Sunday, April 20, 2008

I am grateful to know I can give everything I have.

I am grateful for knowing what I want and what I seek.

I am grateful for being here.

I am grateful for perseverance and courage.



The weekend wraps up. It has been a rich, soulful, enriching, enlightening stretch. My empathy, my compassion have deepened. I saw infinity, power, grace, energy. And will take from it and make it into something special. The same way I felt last week, I feel now.

And yes, they are still in me.


No, it won't

It won't give up on me, and I won't give up on it.

The question, again

This post isn't a whine, or a complaint. Merely an observation from a friend today...

You're a good-looking, nice, intelligent guy. Why hasn't some woman snapped you up?

I don't know...


I've talked a lot about perseverance, courage. It's the will to keep forging ahead when you're tired, worn down, wondering if you can make it.

I draw an enormous amount of strength from stories of people who grind and grind and grind and finally make it where they want to be.

Like Danica Patrick.

After years of racing, coming close, but never winning a race, she won in Japan Sunday. It was a well-earned, well-deserved win.

These people are the reason I am optimistic.
These people are the reason I do not succumb. They persevere and thrive, as do I.


Comme chez soi/chez moi

A revelation (already known)...

Anywhere I go, from home, to Brussels, to Paris, to the ocean, is home.

Chez moi


Sight The bright sun shone its warm rays down upon me, bringing energy and nourishment to my soul.

The open expanses of sand around me recall space.

The ocean itself, lit by the morning sun, recall infinity, stretching past the horizon.

The waves crashing against the shore recall the power of the ocean, the energy that never wanes. Its motions are steadfast, ever-present. A mirror for my soul. A marker for me to emulate.


The roar of the waves is hypnotic, intoxicating. They drown out the sounds of man, but not the beating of my heart, nor the whispers of my soul. They speak to me as loudly as the ocean's waves, calling me, telling are as great as what you see if front of you.


The coolness of the morning dissipates as I walk the boardwalk.

The other strollers there feel the same.

A lightness carries me along in the morning light. Invisible, yet present.

The broken shells on the sand tingle against the soles of my feet.

The warmth of the sand warmed my soul, and made me smile.

The coolness of the sand enlivens me.

The coolness of the water jolts my conscious.

The ocean, in its infinite wisdom, says, I have enough. Take from me. And nourish others.

I will.


Sad songs, blah, blah, blah (or, I'm not blue)

This morning, I heard a lot a sad songs, a succession of which seemed to be trying to bring me down. Mournful, soul-destroying songs about love lost.

I'm sorry, but no.

I said this a lot last week, and it applies right now.

It is not about me being weighed down by where I am.

But lifting myself to where I choose to be. Living the best I have in me. Being as good as I can be.

At any moment.


When I eat, I try to eat whole and natural foods.

The same way I want the rest of my life to be.


Every day is a lifetime, a journey. Every blessed day, every blessed moment.

Saturday, April 19, 2008

Love this story

From our old friend...

The kingdom of this world

An old hermit was once invited to visit the court of the most powerful king of those times.

- I envy such a saintly man, who is content with so little - said the ruler.

- I envy Your Majesty, who is content with even less that I - responded the hermit.

- How can you say such a thing, if this entire country belongs to me? - said the offended king.

- For precisely that reason. I have the music of the celestial spheres, I have the rivers and mountains of the whole world, I have the moon and the sun, because I have God in my soul. Your Majesty, on the other hand, has only this kingdom.


These are absolutely powerful and beautiful thoughts. And they come at a great time. The Urban Monk points to emails he's received from people who feel sadness and pain. Yet, he sees courage and compassion. The beauty and strength they have, but can't see.

Beauty and strength are always inside you, inside me. Touch it.



I can.

I give.

I am.
I remain a radical optimist.


Friday, April 18, 2008

Shining path

This week, in the first couple of minutes of my commute, the sun has been shining right in my face. As if someone is lighting the way for me.



Bodily betrayal

My body is trying to betray me. In tge pain in my back, it is trying
to tell me something that isn't true. My soul understands where the
truth lies.

Here and now

It is about wanting. Me wanting to give what I have. Me wanting to be as selfless as I can possibly be for someone.

I want to spread my soul and my spirit out as far and wide as I can possibly go.


Wash, rinse, repeat


Still feeling it.

Good morning.


Thursday, April 17, 2008


A couple of months ago I went to sleep smiling, feeling wonderful.

Tonight, I'll go to sleep feeling the same way. I had much then. I had much to give then.

Blessedly, nothing has changed. My smile says I am ready.



Anger management/making it greater

Why wasn't I more angry at the time? Was I being a wuss, a wimp?


I wasn't going to be a victim. I wasn't going to wallow. I wasn't going to invest in self-pity.

I did what I have been trying to do for months. Be as good as I could possibly be. To rise above darkness and let the light I have inside me shine.

It takes an enormous amount of strength to overcome adversity. I've got the strength to move mountains.

Don't get me wrong. What happened was an awful thing. I was devastated.

But I have made it, grown it, nourished into something greater.

To you, my sensei, I say thank you. I am grateful for you.



I feel very, very good right now. Given my current relationship status, I shouldn't. But I do. I am ready, right now, to be everything I can be for someone, somewhere. And I am thankful for this. And I am greatful for this. I am simply being.
Am I repeating myself? Sure, but I don't care. The child is always reaching for the countertop. ;-)

Magic man

Maybe I should explain why I believe so much in myself, and why I believe in what I can do.

Or, one reason, at least.

My profession (never mind what it is), there is a certain magic to what we do. What we are able to produce is stunning. And often, it's not under easy circumstances.

That's what makes the product so great.

I believe in myself because what I want to make, produce, give, I have given before. And will continue to make, produce, give. I wish the process was so much smoother than it has been. But the bumps are worth it.

Because the end result is worth it.

I know the magic I have lying inside and outside me. I know the magic I want to give.


It's not that I have to express myself. Or I need to.

No. I want to express myself. I want the world to know what I feel, and how I feel. How my soul stirs with bliss, thankfulness, love and gratitude. How I can't contain what I feel. How I want to shower someone with all the blessings and faith and hope I have welling up in me. I want the world to know how good it feels to just be.

Right about now

I would loved to sleep, for a little while, if only to see what I could dream about. What places my mind is really going to.
I am just in a state of bliss right now, that honestly, I shouldn't be in. But I am, and I am grateful for being here. I am grateful for being.
I want to cry tears of sheer joy. At where I am and where I want to be.

Beautiful magic mystery

I feel in a state of bliss that I haven't felt in months. This feeling is so gorgeous, so luxuriant. I feel like I can do everything the universe spreads out for me.
My heart, my spirit, my soul is soaring right now. Because they all know what they possess, and they all know what they can give.


Two questions

What am I capable of doing?

What am I capable of being?

One answer--everything I can.

Invisible touch

I awaken with this song buzzing in my head...

After three dreams...
of a boss wanting more
of a path being blocked
of being naked in front of friends--again...

It's like some invisible force is touching me.

It's gonna be a good day.


Om mani padme hum.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008


I feel as good as I have ever felt. I feel like I have so much power. Not in terms of having dominion over anyone, but the power to do good, do the best. To have power for someone beyond me.


A radio talk-host show loves to talk about not living in the was, but living in the is.

I'm down with that.

I also want to live in something else.

I want to live in the what-can-be.


Humbly, elegantly

I love this story about Dave Robbins, the former basketball coach at Virginia Union University. I remember him winning two of his three Division II national titles. He was never the loudest, most gregarious person. But he cared, he worked hard, and gave as much as he could.
Humble elegance, indeed.

Down by the riverside

There is an old gospel hymn, "Down by the Riverside," I used to hear when I went to church.
Gonna lay down my sword and shield
Down by the riverside
Down by the riverside
Down by the riverside
I have no sword or shield, but I'm gonna lay down by the riverside. I saw this article, and loved the imagery of the river. I grew up on a peninsula, and loved seeing the water and imagining having a house overlooking the water.
I've talked a bunch about being, feeling like a river. Strong currents flowing freely. Now, even as I flow, even as I am the water, I sit bankside and watch myself flow. I see whitecaps, some flotsam, a sailboat drifting by. Yes, the currents are strong, but they are gentle and smooth, too. I watch myself, trying to become the best I can be. I watch myself spill over the banks. I watch the warmth of the water wash over me. I know what I want my river, my water, to do for someone. My water will always flow. My water, my banks, are always welcoming.
In the article, the author describes meditation as "an open-ended process of pondering, a free-wheeling contemplation." I guess this means I am in near-constant meditation. I try not to expect anything from my meditation. I stand (or sit) where I am and just be.

Green tears

Dearest chehaw,
I am jealous of you.
I am envious of you.
Instead of feeling downcast, and downtrodden, you feel strong, alive. You must know who you are.
I cry when I think about you. I cry tears of sadness because I don't know if I have the strength, resilience, fortitude, persistence, energy, wherewithall you have. I cry tears of joy knowing that one day I can be like you. Don't lose everything you have. I need your example. The world needs you. Someone out there needs you.

Waking up to green

When I start my computer up, it does a system check to ensure everything is running properly.

My car does the same thing when I put the key in the ignition.

When I wake up in the morning, my body goes through a system check.

And so does my soul.

Everything is flashing green this morning.

Good morning. Namaste.

Om mani padme hum.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Six weeks ago

I wrote about the one problem I have.

I still have the problem.

And what a blessed problem it is to have.

My heart beats as strongly as ever. I always ask myself if I am being arrogant. No. I just want to be.


You feel what?


Um, dude, I really, really, don't get you. You're a cool guy and all, but I don't understand you.

Why do you feel so good?

You should be so horrifically angry at the world now. Why can't you be like the rest of us, having experienced what you have? You love what was done to you? Are you insane?

Women have called you crazy before, and I'm starting to believe them.

But who knows, maybe you're on to something. The dumbest thing I'm ever done to you is underestimate you.

Won't make that mistake again.


This is funny

When the Zen master Dogen was asked how he reached enlightenment, he said, “It was just one mistake after another.”

This makes me laugh, with a devilish smirk.
Dear chehaw,

Ah! The light finally came on for me, my friend!

I understand now why you feel as confident as you do, right now, in this moment.

You were right all along. But, be gentle, my friend, with your knowledge, your confidence.


Power plant--2

I am not here on earth to sap the strength and energy from anyone. God help me if I do. I want to give my enormous energy to someone. I want to strengthen, nourish, nurture, power, fuel.

No questions

I'm not asking myself what am I missing.

I have everything to give.

Seeing things

Dear Dr. C,
You see what is going on. You always have. You know what the situation is. You respect the situation. You may not write it, or express it, but you respect it.
Just as you respect yourself.
Yo C,
Good talking to you the other day. Keep that weight off, man--you're looking good.
I can tell you're feeling good, too. Your spirit is light--lighter than it ought to be. I know you don't have everything you want. But there is something I can tell about you--you seem to feel as great as you ever have in your life right now. There is a confidence and purpose to you. Here's the reason why, if I may be so bold to say it--it's because you know you can give and be and receive everything you want and need in your life.
You have such an amazing, huge, spectacular heart. It would be so easy for you to be weighed down by where you are right now. The tears I saw welling up in you point that out. Yet, your strength, your persistance, your knowledge in what you want is steadfast. I wonder if I could ever muster the fortitude and strength you possess. I've never known anyone like you. And I'm glad I know you.
You really shouldn't feel as good as you do, but you do. Your fire burns as bright as the sun. Feed the fire.
What's that word you use all the time? Namaste? What does that mean?

Thank you

I want to say thank you to you. Thank you for helping me to discover, to find. Thank you for unlocking a fantastic doorway to something, somewhere, truly spectacular. Even though you didn't realize it at the time. And neither did I.

I thank you and I am grateful for receiving very beautiful gifts from you.

You are a special, amazing, gifted sensei.

Namaste and good morning.

Living for the love

Anytime I hear a song by Al Green, I think, that is what I want to give, to be, to a woman. Soulful, loving, playful.

Not too much to ask for, eh?

Love the quote inside...

Thank you Jesus. I believe everything is gonna be alright. Wherever God is, everything is alright.


Conventional wisdom would say that I am many sad things right now. Or should be. Lonely, hanging on, lovelorn, desperate, needy.

I am living proof why you should give conventional wisdom the good swift kick in the butt it rightfully deserves.

The surface of me can't tell you what the core holds. The experience has made me stronger, open, ready. Going through everything I have in recent months has fortified my soul. Nourished it. It continues to nourish me.

Every day is new and fresh, though from reading the blog, you might not think so. I live greater, better, everyday now because of the experience.

If you've ever been devastated from love, you're not supposed to recover quickly, so the thinking goes. You're supposed to spend months in the desert, crawling, looking up at the sky forlornly and wondering why.


There is something deep in me that refuses to suffer for long. Suffering is normal, human. Wallowing in it is not. Read these pages. The words you see are not from a man wallowing. These are the words of a man telling the world who he is and what he can do for a woman.

There is something deep in me that wants to thrive. To overcome. To scale the walls. To defy the stereotypes. To defy the limits.

There is something deep in me that wants to live the symbol of yin and yang.

I hear songs about love lost, and I wonder. What did they do to overcome? Or did they even bother, choosing to wallow instead?

Sometimes I stray off into pushing a tad too hard. As I've said before, I'm sorry.

I submit to you that I haven't broken any rules. I am changing the paradigm. From one of hiding, cowering, wallowing. To one of joy, hope, giving, receiving.

I want to be everything good and great that a man can be to a woman.

It's not stubbornness or arrogance that has me where I am. I believe it what I am, what I can give and what I can receive.

I am more than a seeker. I am a finder. A discoverer.

Monday, April 14, 2008


I am more than a seeker. I am a finder. And tonight, I found out something.

Let's see what happens overnight.

As I've said...

I love what all this has done to me. And I love having received such
an amazing gift.

Thank you.


The pulses, the vibrations, scare and delight me. Their intensity sometimes scares me in their power. But the way they dance in me is extraordinary.
I can't flip them off like a light switch. I can't predict their timing of them. Or their intensity. I'll go stretches without anything, and I don't worry. And then, minutes of waves rippling through me. And though it's scary, I don't worry.

I know it is dangerous to discuss this. All sorts of assumptions could be made about me. And they'd be wrong. But I can't make any sense of this, either. It's weird. It's something I've never experienced before in my life. I've been allowing them to just be.

What is my body trying to tell me? Or is my soul trying to say something to me?

An answer

Dear friend,

Sometimes I wonder if I'm too much. In fact, I've apologized before for it. Yet, my intentions are always good. They always will be.



A question

Dear chehaw,

I have a question for you--do you ever become afraid that you are too much?

Dear chehaw,

Your friends, including yours truly, encourage you. They boost spirits already high. They tell you your quest is good, pure, whole. They tell you that you are worth every pulse, every heartbeat. They tell you that you are worth every tear shed, and worth every second of sleeplessness. That you are worth every smile, every kiss, every touch, every hug, every thought. They tell you that you do receive everything you are given. They tell you to keep your heart open.
Namaste, my friend.

Rub of the green

I caught a little bit of the Masters this weekend, and saw Gary Player, the Black Knight, on the course, resplendent in white. The South African legend gave the eventual champion, Trevor Immelman, whom Player carried on his shoulder when he was a toddler, a wonderful piece of advice:

"Be strong through adversity, because adversity will come."

Thomas Boswell wrote a great column in today's Washington Post on Immelman's win, and the road he traveled on. He may not have expected to win the Masters, but he didn't expect the stomach virus at last year's tournament (he played through it) or the golf-ball sized (benign) tumor doctors cut out of him.

This section of the column I liked:

More than any sport, golf tears at the nerves and tortures the emotions, rather than bruising the body. Nobody hits you, yet the greatest players in the world, on devilishly capricious days such as this, walk off the course looking as battered as any Super Bowl loser. Even Tiger can look like he has been kicked in the guts by a Georgia mule.

Fortitude, at the deepest levels, is the virtue that is rewarded the most in pro golf. At the center of every round, and every career, is the notion that man must accept without question what golfers call "the rub of the green" -- as elegant and important a phrase as sports gives us. Bad luck, injury, sinfully malicious misfortune and long, inexplicable spells of miserable play are to be expected, endured and, eventually, overcome. In fact, a golfer's response to that rub of the green is what defines him.

I have faced adversity, but I am not battered. As I said this morning, I love what all of this has done to me. Yes, you read it right. Done to me. It sounds strange, but it really isn't. What I have gone through in the past few months has not weakened my heart or my soul. Not at all. The past few months have strengthened my heart, my soul. So I can be stronger for someone. To strengthen someone.

Life is about experiences, and this experience has expanded my heart and my soul--which was large before.


That encounter in the mirror this morning did not show a man downtrodden. It showed a man alive, heart beating, heart open, ready to be, ready to receive. It showed a man willing and able.


The sage never tries to store things up.
The more he does for others, the more he has.
The more he gives to others, the greater his abundance.
Lao Tzu

All true artists, whether they know it or not, create from a place of no-mind, from inner stillness.
Lao Tzu

The man in the mirror

I looked in the mirror this morning, and smiled at the angelic (!) face staring back.

It is good to see beyond the surface, and good to see inside the soul.

It bears repeating

What am I looking for? In my life, I want less me, and more we. I've got enough, trust me. I always want to give what I have to someone else.

And this--I want a great, loving relationship with a great, loving woman.

I am affirming what I seek.


Every so often I dream of being in a subway, underground, navigating through tunnels. I guess it symbolizes me digging into my spirit, my soul, to see what is there.

The D word

Difficult times and difficult situations can weigh heavily on the soul of a man.

If I allow them.

We are about a certain chemistry here in this corner. The chemistry of turning seeming negatives into positives. Seeming darkness into light.

Humbly, and with gratitude, I submit to you that I love what has happened to me, and I love everything that has been done to me. Everything.

And to my sensei, humbly, and with gratitude, I say to you

Om mani padme hum.



Sunday, April 13, 2008

I am in as different a place right now as I have ever been in my life. A place I swore, I thought I would never be. It's a little scary, it's unique, it's exhilarating. It's deep, it's rich, it's soulful. Every morning, it's a new map to be drawn. New territory to scout, and explore. Every morning, every moment, I am ready to be.

What I saw, and heard

The other day, I heard something familiar. I was droning away, listening to music, when I heard it--the low sobs of a man crying (and no, it was not me).

My ears perked up, and I looked over to my left. A man standing near me was crying. Sometimes, you can wonder if the tears are ones of joy. That illusion ended when he banged his hand against the wall. At times, he was quiet. Other times, the sobs were loud, or soft.

In a situation like this in public, it can be uncomfortable to see someone emotional like that. You avert your eyes, pretend you don't hear, dive back into your paper.

But I felt a lot of empathy for him, even though I had no idea what brought him to tears. I've been there, wherever he is. I felt no pity for him. Just a strong sense that I know what it feels like for him. It bothered me deeply to see another human suffering.

The thing I didn't do was go over and ask what I could do. Or say it would be ok. He walked away before I could.

But I did cry a little for him. I don't know why. I've never seen him before, and may never see him again. But I felt what he felt, unknown as it is.

There is so much suffering and pain in the world. Too much. Some suffer silently, others pour it out, release it. I think he will be fine.

The courage he showed in shedding his tears in public is courage to be emulated. As much as it hurt to have his heart open like that, he opened it.

I'll remember this, as a reminder to stay open, no matter how much it hurts.

Smart people

There's a movie out now, and the premise is intriguing to me at this moment in my life. It's called "Smart People", and it's basically this--smart people have more trouble finding love.


Someone told me this last week. (Apparently, I'm smart. Brilliant, even.)

And there's this--people in my chosen profession (never mind what it is) sometimes have trouble finding love.


Two tidbits that seem to conspire against me.


If I allow them.

These to me right now are barriers, walls. Stereotypes. They will be overcome. My intelligence, plus my profession, does not equal an inability by me to be in a long-term, loving relationship. They do not inhibit my ability to be a loving partner.

So, I'm being stubborn, and making an official declaration.

It's all nonsense.

More nots to untie.

Friday, April 11, 2008

On the road

I don't have a map for the road I'm on. Like last Friday, I am still moving along the highway, feeling my way through. And like last Friday, I'll find my way to treasure. With the same confidence.
Love. Trust. Intelligence. Respect. Friendship.

Out in the open

At any moment, my heart is as open as the sky. Yes, open to vulnerabilities, but more open to potential, capabilities and to protect.

I could sit in a corner, in the dark, curled up in the fetal position, wondering why I'm there.

Absolutely not.

I have so much in me that I'm willing to give and much I'm willing to receive, that I am pouring it out into the world. The shades of my heart will be open, the light will pour in, and it will feed my heart so I can feed someone else.

Like I said, is my heart open to taking shots? Yes. Does that scare me? Yes. Am I paralyzed by that?

Uh, no.

“Butterflies, cotton mouth, and a pounding heart make the finest performers smile—the smile of a person with an ace up their sleeves…They definitely would agree with Tiger Woods, who has often said, “The day I’m not nervous stepping onto the first tee—that’s the day I quit.”--Dr. John Eliot

I'm scared, yes, And my heart still beats very strong.

The cool thing is I know I'm vulnerable. And I still keep moving. I turn my vulnerabilities into strength. Baggage into fuel. Walls into air. Doubts into belief.


My earliest memory of the house I grew up in is of walking into the backyard and staring up at this huge pine tree. (At least huge for a four-year-old.) I remember walking up to it and patting it. It was one of the tallest trees in the neighborhood, and I could always tell where the house was by spotting it.

Over the years, I was afraid that tree would fall over in a hurricane. I know to give the tree more credit.

That pine tree has withstood hurricanes, snowstorms. Drought, rainstorms. Deep freezes and stifling heat. Lesser living things would have wilted, fallen over, from such beatings year after year after year.

Lesser things.

Its roots are strong and deep, so when Hurricane Isabel hit my hometown five years ago, it bent and swayed under the roar of the wind, and the pounding of the rain. But when the sun came out, it stood as tall as ever. And ready to continue growing.

That tree offers shade, comfort, beauty, a guidepost, strength. The tree may not have a heart that beats like mine, but it still gives. It still grows. I don't want to be that tree.

I am that tree.

As that tree, for decades, has been giving, so have I. Why I would give anything less than that is beyond me. As it takes rain and air and grows, so do I. It knows the loop, and I know the loop.

Year after year, that tree stands there, but is never still. It sways with the winds, its pine needles and cones fall to the earth, the rain nourishes every pore. It is not still. As the earth moves, it moves with the earth.

It withstands so much, and it gives so much more. As it gives to the earth and takes from the earth, so do I give to others and take from others.

I am that tree.


Om mani padme hum.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

What I learned yesterday

There are people always looking out for me.

Yep, I've got vulnerabilities. They are my strength, too.

You have to learn something everyday.

There is a another set of five.

What it's about

It's not about control or power or domination.

It's about partners.

It's about nourishment.

It's about nurturing.

It's about growth.

It's about play.

It's about love.

That's what it's all about.

Good morning.


Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Morning thoughts

I've always tried to give more than I was expected to give, or do.

It's something I'll continue to do.


I'm capable of so much. Why do people always seem to want less of me?

I want to give everything I have. Yes, I am exposing myself. And I'll keep doing it. The door to me is open.

At any given moment, I am going to be everything I can be.



“Happy people plan actions, they don't plan results” - Dennis Wholey

This may be one reason why I'm not hugely into goals. It's not that I'm lazy or anything (if you read here, you can tell what I am). I want action in life. Tres simple.


If I go on vacation, I have no agenda, no map, no...goals.

Actually, I do have a goal. To just be.

Of course, I have things I want to do. But it's important for me to just be.

I am as good to me as I can be. I allow myself to be human. And this lets me be good to others.

On these pages, it seems like I push. I'm persistent, yes. A tad relentless. It's only for one thing.

To be.

I know what you're asking--to be what? Stop asking.

And no, it's not a contradiction for me to want to be the best man I can be and to just be. It's all one. Everything I want to do to nurture and nourish a woman's soul deeply, and to just be--the same. There is no separation. I want to be all, and I want to just be. One.

This sounds complex, unmanageable. It's not.

Just meditate.


Tuesday, April 8, 2008

From our old friend

Mr. Coelho...

In The Good Fight,
attacking or fleeing are part of the struggle;
being paralyzed by fear is not.
The Good Fight is the one we undertake
because our heart wants us to.
(The Pilgrimage)


“Nowhere to go / No one to be / Nothing to do”

--Zen mantra

Ma famille

I love my family. I truly do. I want to share the love they have for
me and have given to me with someone. That's all that I truly want to
do. My mom especially has sacrificed so much for me. I want to make
those same sacrifices, give that same love to someone else.

It never fails

Whenever I come home, I reach a point that I want to leave within a
couple of days. I'm there now.

Losing myself/gaining more

In the last year, I've lost 50 pounds. The journey wasn't just about
me looking better. It was about my growth spiritually. Becoming a
better me. My journey continues. There isn't too much I want
materially from life. I want everything I can gain spiritually from
life. And I want to give everything I gain. And gain. And give. I'm
ready to do this.

Soul talking

What is my soul telling me now? There is so much soul in you. Let the
world see what you have. Bring it out.

Write away

Why am I blogging so much? It's not a substitute for what I seek. By
any stretch. But right now, I have to put my enormous energy
somewhere. I know I will have what I seek. I want someday to be now.


The vibrations I feel have been as steady as they have ever been at home. And they were in my dreams again.

What this means, I don't know.


While you stretch and mold your beautiful body, don't forget to stretch and mold something more beautiful--your mind and your soul.


Glad bag

In the quiet of home in the quiet of the morning, I am grateful, home, safety, thoughts, feelings, friends, sources, writer's block, vibrations, rest, the quest, love, hope, faith, wings, water, bridges, bicycles.

I am grateful that there is much for me to accomplish in life, I am grateful that I am not in search of sympathy and pity for what I feel, but in search of wanting to celebrate everything that I am.

I am grateful for the strength I possess. I am grateful for the gifts I have, and the gifts I receive. I am grateful for the gifts I will give, and the gifts will receive.

I am grateful for being alive, and I am grateful for being.

I am grateful for knowing what I am capable of giving. I am grateful for knowing what I am capable of receiving.

I am grateful for my mind, my body, my heart, my soul.

I am grateful for the courage I have. I am grateful for the danger. I am grateful for failing. I am grateful for the dreams. I am grateful for the good power and light that I have.

I am grateful for everything.

I am grateful for the source. I am grateful for my sensei.

Monday, April 7, 2008

Dear chehaw,

Yes, amigo, you have passion. I read it in every word you write. You wrote months ago about some many different forms of passion. Everyday, live the passion you feel coursing in your soul. Someone will feel that energy you feel everyday.

Dear chehaw,

I know you want a partner in your life. Your persistence will take you there.

You are never going to compete with your partner. Never. What you will do is support her. Nurture her. Nourish her. As you do for her, she will do for you. You understand it's a loop.


Feel the vibe (I do)

You read about these vibrations, these pulses I feel. I wish I had a plausible explanation. I don't. You may think this is odd, being an observer.

Think about how it feels from my end.

You wake up this morning, and then you drift slowly back to sleep. Then they come. Wave after wave of pulses. You feel them as you sleep, but you don't wake up. It feels both strange, scary and good. You can't The waves mimic the ocean's waves, ebbing and flowing. They continue to flow.

And then, an hour later, you wake up fully. Wondering.

Their strength comes and goes through the day. Some stretches, all is quiet. Others, waves crashing. I can't predict when they come, or when they go, or their intensity. Physically, it doesn't matter where I am--there they are.

Even at home.

I don't know.
Dear chehaw,

You have always reached for something greater than yourself. It's given you a little grief, yes. But it's given you more joy. Always be more. Keep moving one more step. Keep being everything you are capable of being.

Keep being.

Dear chehaw,

There is great danger in exposing yourself the way you are. But, there is so much you have inside of you, there is graver danger in keeping it in. Let everything you have flow outward. be everything you are.