Saturday, May 31, 2008

Feeling chippy

The sincerity and determination in my voice matches the sincerity and determination in my eyes. My blog and my podcast are representative of who I am. They are not separate from me. As you'll hear, I'm alone because I don't want to play the game men and women usually play. The game is beneath me.


A buddy heard a song that said

“A single spark of passion can change a man forever”

Thank you, my sensei, for your spark.


Soil samples

I want to be gentle with the soil I am tilling. It is too rich and fertile to treat poorly.



The whitish-gray sky turns a bluish steel

Distant thunder pierces the man-made noise

Water from the sky falls in large drops

Bringing nourishment from the heavens

I sit back and close my eyes

Returning to my second home

The rain here dances to the same rhythm

Beating its moves into the waiting, fertile ground

It brings me to the same soothing state of mind

Remind of what is here

And what is possible


Shy guy

I am a little shy, yes. It doesn't mean I am distant, or arrogant.

It just means I'm watching a little more closely, that's all.

Being present.


The real apprentice

A journey. A dance. A fight. A pilgrimage.

And now, an apprenticeship.

I'm not changing the rules of the game, only the description.

Apprentices become craftsmen. And a craftsman never stops honing his craft.

I want my craft to be life. And all that it entails.


(This post was inspired--partly--by Neil Peart, the drummer for the band Rush. On his website, it's noted that he is a work in progress, and that he is engaging in the "endless apprenticeship of drumming." Yep.)

The tao of shirt washing

Or, the end of the month.

I have a shirt that I can't toss in the washing machine. I have to take it into the bathroom sink and wash it by hand. Rubbing it in the hot water, I look in the mirror. And going beneath the surface, I see...what's good, what's whole, what's capable, what's...complete. What's there.

What have I learned this month?

I have been present. (Not that I haven't been all along) No, it's not a hard thing to see. I simply know my feelings.

The thing I want, and can't have--that love I have discussed before--is present. I have not grasped, clung, hung on, gripped to it. No arrogance, no illusions, no delusions. No misplaced, misguided romance. It simply is. I have allowed it to be.

I am here. I am present. I am. With everything that is inside of me.

So, we will see what June has in store.


Friday, May 30, 2008


Sleep lately has been good for my soul. After waking, from a night's slumber or a nap, I feel that everything is where it should be in my heart and in my soul.

So this afternoon's nap was, well, interesting. Because of the dream I had. No, not of the same vein as the one a couple of weeks ago.

It was a conversation with someone. Someone I know very well, as they know me. It was a shock to see them there.

As I said--interesting.
Do doors close? Maybe. But there are many doors. Especially the unexpected ones. Those can be the special ones.

Even in the darkest of hours, I've never turned away from you.

the cool thing about being yourself is that you evolve. you are never static.

or, at least, you shouldn't be.


My sensei also sent me this...

"Remember not only to say the right thing in the right place, but far more difficult still, to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment."

Benjamin Franklin

I've always believed in discretion being the better part of valor. Shyness and humility have their advantages.


In the forest

Oak, pine, walnut, maple, cherry, redwood, mahogany, chestnut, sequoia.

Many different kinds of trees.

Just like there are many different kinds of passion.

Nature loves variety.

It's been said that youth is wasted on the young.

Not in this corner it ain't.


Always for

My sensei sent this e.e. cummings quote to me...

"To be nobody but yourself - in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you like everybody else - means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight - and never stop fighting."

A fight, a dance, a journey, a pilgrimage. It's never a fight against anyone or anything. It is a fight for what is good, what is whole. And, sometimes, it's a fight for someone.

Whatever you want to call this, I am for, never against. And even as I rest, I am ready to soldier on, walk the path of the pilgrimage.

It is a shame my sensei and I can't fight together. But, in a roundabout way, maybe we are.


Thursday, May 29, 2008


Live with/live without

Yes, I have tangible goals.

A house (The concept of a modular house is intriguing)

A truck (But with gas prices where they are, this might be wiser.)

A career where I can work from that house when I want.

I'm flexible, though. A townhouse would suffice, and a smaller car would do the job. (Please note that flexibility does not equal weakness.)

But I would trade all of these for the goal of having someone to love. It's the intangibility of giving my heart and soul to another that would have me give up everything right now.

I can buy a car. I can't buy love.


On vacation?

No, not really.

I haven't written much in awhile. Not because I have run out of steam
or energy. I still have an abundance of both.

And it's not because I don't have anything to say. I have plenty to say.

I'm at a different peace, a different place. A place where my heart
shouldn't be, but it is. A place not in convention, stereotype or limit.

My heart, my soul and my spirit continue to flow like a mighty river.
Their power nourishes me. I feel that power literally at every moment.

I just want that power to nourish the heart, the soul, the spirit of


Same as it ever was

This was one of this mornings where I went back to sleep for a while, and woke up again feeling better than before.

I wake up this morning at 100%. Not that I haven't every morning, but now, moreso. Never at any point in my life have my heart, soul and spirit been as supple and as steadfast.

I feel good about how I feel and what I can do. As always.



“There is no failure for the man who realizes his power, who never knows when he is beaten; there is no failure for the determined endeavor; the unconquerable will. There is no failure for the man who gets up every time he falls, who rebounds like a rubber ball, who persists when everyone else gives up, who pushes on when everyone else turns back.”

- Orison Swett Marden

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

A dreamy, sleepy reverie wraps her warm arms around me, caressing my soul and floating me off to deep, wonderful slumber.

I think back to today, and its beautiful azure skies and fresh, clean air.

My heart, my soul, my spirit, all move in the air, yet remain still and calm.

They marvel at the unbelievable state in which they reside. They play a very dangerous game of being in a place where they shouldn't be, don't belong. They give so much more than they receive. But they play there, knowing this place is where they belong, where they truly are.

Namaste, and goodnight.

Mes chapeaux

I wear a lot of hats proudly. Not only that particular one.



When a warrior learns to stop the internal dialogue, everything becomes possible; the most far-fetched schemes become attainable.

~Carlos Castaneda

(This has been hard for me to do--stop the dialogue, but it's possible. I like Castaneda because he is a radical optimist. Namaste)


Meditation is not a way of making your mind quiet. It's a way of entering into the quiet that's already there-buried under the 50,000 thoughts the average person thinks every day.

Deepak Chopra


When the morning is silent like this, things settle to the floor, and it's easy to see them, and just observe. It's nice to be able to just be. Be unattached to thoughts and feelings and just watch them.

What's there? What's here?

Everything that has been there before. Everything is still there. Still here.

The heart, the soul, the spirit.

The feelings.

The pulses.


Tuesday, May 27, 2008

TFTD//hacking away

More late-night thoughts

In short, a hacker discovers what is normally hidden to the common man.
-Elf Qrin

Chipping away at the carapace that's there...


(hat tip)


Late-night edition...

“We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.”

Pierre Teilhard de Chardin, Jesuit priest (1881-1955)

A different place, is where I am.


(hat tip)

Opposites attract

There's nothing like a summer rain, and how two disparate forces--the steamy heat of the air and the fresh coolness of the rain--conspire, mingle, tussle and play with the senses.


In n' out

The more I root around inside, the more I discover to bring out.

Best wishes

For my friend's mom and my friend, good luck today on the procedure.


Thank you, again...

God reveals himself in everything,
but the word is one of his favorite ways of taking action,
because the word is thought transformed into vibration.
The word has greater power than many rituals.

I'm only human

Just like him. And it didn't stop him.

He gave everything he had. The least I can do is give some, too.


Another measure of a man

Lies right here. Essentially, this is what I talked about last week with my friend and her mom. What are you going to do when it rains?

Here is a good takeout....

Consequently, it is nearly always the case that little more is expected of a man than that he has good looks, a good wardrobe, a good job, some or all of the most fashionable material goods, and that he is a good provider, a good sex partner, a good fighter, or just able to show a woman a good time. It is long after a man has been judged on the basis of such 'cryteria' that serious consideration -- usually, too little too late -- is given to whether his inner person is as good as his public image.

Let me be a little less humble here--I am more than my public image. I want the people I am with, and the woman I am with, to experience the deeper, richer, more soulful me. I want to exceed the expectations which seem so little, so useless, to me. I am so much more than what you see on the surface. The last thing in the world I'm going to do is hide that away. I want it to bloom like those cherry trees.

But all the time. Not just in the spring.



Every morning, my promise, my pledge, my renewal, is the same.

To wear, to live, to be, all the hats and all the textures that are me. To be everything that I am and to be everything I can be.


Not a suspect

This is a good essay. Sometimes, I think it's held against me that I'm single and a good guy. I am a good man. I do have flaws and failings. They shouldn't be used as a hammer against me.

I have so much to offer to a woman--love, support, nourishment. I can't give it the way I so want to, so this is the place where I have to give. Suspect or not.


Monday, May 26, 2008

Men don't cry

But this one does.

My sensei, I'm not obstinate. I just am, just present. I feel what I feel in my heart, and I flow with it. Just like you.

Society doesn't think that men are, or should be sensitive to feelings, matters of the heart. But I am.

My sensei, I lashed out when I felt my heart was under attack. As I've said, it is the most precious thing I have. I can't give a woman anything more precious than that. All my heart wants to do is give itself. It hurts when it can't.



An impromptu retreat this weekend. A chance came to walk away from the blog. An opportunity to just be, for a while.

My soul took in the stillness. Drank in the nourishment, the fortification.

If the pulses are any indication, as I am now, I remain ready, willing and able.



Orison Swett Marden - "A will finds a way."

The art of light

I want to practice, and be practiced in the light art of living.

There is one art I want no part of. I want nothing to do with the dark art of bullshitting a woman. It's not good for me, and it's not good for her.

The good and the bad, the happy and the sad, feed me I want all of their nourishment.

My sensei, I haven't fought anything. I haven't clung to anything. I
haven't held on to anything.

Just like you, my heart has stirred me, and it has moved me.


Sunday, May 25, 2008

There are very visceral elements to you--mystery, danger, intrigue.

They only begin to touch who you truly are.



To think of the calm, peacefulness, tranquility you see in me as boring, is not to see all of who I am.


As a blind man feels when he finds a pearl in a dustbin, so am I amazed by the miracles of awakening rising in my consciousness. It is the nectar of immortality that delivers us from death, the treasure that lifts us from death, the treasure that lifts us above poverty into the wealth of giving to life, the tree that gives shade to us when we roam about scorched by life, the bridge that takes us across the stormy river of life, the cool moon of compassion that calms our mind when it is agitated, the fun that dispels darkness, the butter made from the milk of kindness by churning it with the dharma. It is a feast of joy to which all are invited.



Bank statement

Past performance is no indication of future results.


Saturday, May 24, 2008

A tall order?

Of course, as a man, I want to be captivated by the beauty of a woman.

I want to be enraptured by the soul of a woman, too.


Morning light

I love what the light, the stillness, the warmth of the morning do for me. The beautiful trinity fortify my soul, my heart. They remind me of what lies in me, and what I have to give.

The sound of thunder reminds me of what I can be. Fortifies my soul.

Thank you Mother Nature.

Yes I know--My greatest weakness is my greatest strength.


Friday, May 23, 2008

Simple words

If words are all I have to give.

If words are the only thing that is asked of me.

If words are the only thing sought of me.

If words are all I can give.

They will be the best words I can give.


Let the rain fall

It is an absolutely beautiful morning here. The air is freshened by a wonderful breeze, giving it the slightest nip. A few puffy white clouds dot the azure blue sky. A far cry from the gray and rain that has dominated the skies recently.

When the rain falls from the sky, we duck under hoods and umbrellas, dodging the drops. Little do we realize that the gray manna from the heavens actually showers the earth, and us, with nourishment.

For the mother of a friend, there is an uncertain deluge falling. A mass was found in her lung. A biopsy will be done Tuesday. My friend has asked for her friends to pray for her mom and her. And that I will do. It's the least I can do.

No one ever wants a rain like this. This can, and does, bring anyone to their knees. Asking God why me. Why her.

Even in the middle of the rainstorm, God, or whatever force you believe in, will nourish you, not drown you.


Thursday, May 22, 2008

Yes, I do have the capacity to have it all--the heart, the soul, the spirit, the love, the passion. I chose, though, not to fill it all the way. I have it, and I can give it, too.


First light

The night is my companion

Solitude my guide

--Sarah MacLachlan, Possession

The morning has become my companion. I used to be a night person, able to stay up late and sleep in. And while I write a lot in the morning now, I'm not only a morning person. The whole night/morning thing is a false construct, for me at least. The energy I have stretches through the day. I'm flexible for day or night.

But the greatest insights I have into myself seem to come as the first light breaks the horizon.

Plus ca change, plus ca meme chose

I am exploring different thoughts, different ideas, different concepts.

All the while, the core of me, my heart, my soul, my spirit, my love, my passion, remains the same.

As steadfast as ever. As supple as ever.


Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Say yeah!

I am saying yes. Yes to everything I am and everything I can be.

What exactly, young man, are you doing here?

I'm just writing what is in my heart.

No, I don't want it all. Just a little bit.

In an entire universe of stars, one will suffice.


Unpredictable power

Those pulses? At certain points, they are quiet, still. Like the early morning.

Other times, they come in waves. Surges crashing along the beach with such force.
A storm reaching the shore.

Like right now.


All I want is a warm bed, a kind word and unlimited power.

– Ashleigh Brilliant

Clean 10

Here is a good 10-step program....
In the space between

darkness and dawn

where dreams of the night

become dreams of the day

a cocoon envelopes me

to warm my soul

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Every step forward you take is a step you have to learn something.

Why am I going deeper with you? Because that's where the true you resides.



If a kid can hope, why can't the man he grew up to be?

--Off the radio

The pilgrimage

In a certain way, we are all pilgrims on a journey. Like our friend and guide, I want to have the pilgrim's soul, to discover myself and to discover the souls of others.

I discovered Paris and Brussels by avoiding the museums and the tourist traps and walking unknown paths, unknown streets. I found two wonderful, beautiful cities full of character and life

The journey I find myself on now is full of unknown streets, surprises around every corner. The surprises are scary sometimes. But it's better than the standard, boring museum tour.

Thank you for the pilgrimage.


Clear as a bell

Can I see? I mean, really see? What's inside me? What's outside of me? All of it?

I see as clearly as I have ever seen in my life.


Greeting the morning

Most nights, I don't sleep eight hours. I'm lucky if I get six. What usually happens is I wake up about 5 or so, and just lie in bed, half asleep. It is the one part of the day where I can truly just be. The dawning light and the silence (save the chirping of the birds) does something good to me.

I go into this place of comfort, peace. I'm just there, not searching, not seeking, not longing, not wanting. I am open. Now, let me make clear--I am human. Blessedly so. And the searching, the seeking, the longing, the wanting do come. I allow them to do as they wish. The comfort, the peace, the state of...bliss...always return. It's a gauzy, warm reverie. It is the warm, sensous embrace of some invisible force, as I described earlier today.

I usually lie in bed, eyes closed, drifting in and out, a smile on my face.

I am just there.

Then I get up and write.


And now for something completely different

This is over the top. I'll take my slider with cheese, a couple of pickles and a little honey mustard.
Simple pleasures are the best...

Never a time

There has never been a time in my life like this.

Where I have sacrificed so much of myself, not cared, and would sacrifice more.

Where normally I would have walked away from the whole thing, washed my hands of the whole thing. But something inexplicable, something intoxicating, keeps me traveling down a mysterious path.

Where every word, gesture, intention I give is to support, nourish, comfort, raise an eyebrow--in a situation where my heart was broken.

Where I refuse to wallow, or be less, but where I grow, evolve, become more.

Where I give my best at any moment.


There has never been a time like this.


The silence of the morning envelopes my soul with a warm, sensuous embrace. Her dreamy touch caresses me, gently massaging my spirit. Her presence makes me float, even as I am rooted into the earth


Like a rock

Love this thought right here...

The warrior of the light has the qualities of a rock.

When he is on flat terrain - when all around has found harmony - he remains stable. People may build houses upon that which he created, because the storm will not be destructive.

When, however, he is placed on uneven terrain - and things around him do not show any respect or equilibrium for his work - he reveals his strength, rolling towards the enemy which threatens peace. At such times, the warrior is devastating, and no one can detain him.

A warrior of the light thinks of war and peace at the same time, and knows how to act according to the circumstances.
Yes, there are many shapes, colors, feeling, textures to me. I can come off as complex, complicated.

Really, I'm not.

I'm a guy who has a full, abundant, bountiful heart of love, caring, spirit that he wants to share. That's all that's at the core of who I am, and who I want to be.

Those colors and textures help make me who I am. And so does my heart.


Out of the blue

Words exchanged across the ether

A question asked

An answer unexpected

Questions are borne from curiosity

They must be asked

Answers slake the thirst of the curious

Details vague, details specific

The author trusts the reader

To paint words in the mind

The author respects the reader

Monday, May 19, 2008


Yes, I look like a boy scout. I was a boy scout.

But I'm more than that. Much more.

Long way round

Traffic was bad coming home today, so I had to take another, longer route.

And, my, what a small rediscovery I found hustling down the road.

It wasn't anything major. Just a feeling of calmness, peace, playfulness, light, naturalness--with a dash of mischievousness--that had been a corner, collecting a bit of dust.

Ah, but it's out of the corner now. I think that this morning's dream had a lot to do with it.

(If you could see the devilish grin on my face now...)



"Stay Calm and Carry On"
It was a good enough slogan for the British during the Blitz. It's good enough to keep in your back pocket. Just in case...
It can be my fingertips.

It can be my words.

My touch is assured, yet gentle. Intense, yet soothing. Nurturing and nourishing.

Many things, and one thing, at once.

That was a fantastic dream last night. Utterly spectacular.


There are different forms of intensity, different forms of passion. Some hot, some cool. All lead to the same place. One is no better or no worse than the other.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Interesting thought....

When the absolute is absolute, it is incomplete; within completeness there is also the relative. When the relative is relative, it is not material; even within matter, completeness remains. Deep in the night, there’s the energy that brings on dawn; when the sun is at its peak, it lights up the skies.


Just for kicks

I did this quiz, just for the hell of it. (It's raining here.) And yep, there's a grain of truth to it...

Your Mind is Purple

Of all the mind types, yours is the most idealistic.

You tend to think wild, amazing thoughts. Your dreams and fantasies are intense.

Your thoughts are creative, inventive, and without boundaries.

You tend to spend a lot of time thinking of fictional people and places - or a very different life for yourself.


How two people who had never met me until yesterday described me....

Still waters run very deep

Cool intensity


I've said before that I am in a different place, different space, different realm. I remain as capable of being everything I can possibly be for someone. But the means is vastly different. The appeal isn't to the body, the appeal is to the soul. The appeal has to be renewed every day. If there is a wonder why I am so repetitive, this is it.

I have never been so scared of a journey as I am right now.

I moved away from home in my mid-twenties to start my career in the big city. I remember driving the U-Haul truck, with most of everything I own in the back, up Interstate 95 in the darkness of a Sunday night.

I moved overseas, to a country I'd never been to. I remember looking back over my shoulder at the New York skyline. I remember getting off the plane in Brussels into this strange new world.

Neither scared me as much as the journey I am on now. Neither has moved me to the tears I shed now like this.

As scared I am, I still possess courage, energy and strength. I am not standing still.

After a night of dreams and slumber, the journey is renewed at the first light of day. And with it, I am renewed.



On a coffee-cup sleeve...

I don't know what you're doing, but keep doing it.

Ok then, I will.


Light it up


Quiet heart

My heart has been a a little quiet for the past few days. It's been just being, seeing what is different, what is the same.

I fell back to sleep this morning, after writing a couple of entries. I felt such wonderful lightness, such a feeling of love, such a feeling of aliveness.

In other words, the same as it ever was.

There are times when I feel a little melancholy, a little sad. That's fine. I'm not a robot. I can't be content, happy and calm all the time. I'm human. I have a full range of emotions and I experience varying degrees of all of them.

But, like those Weebles, I return to the center, to balance. My heart, my soul, spirit contain love, and will give love.

My big three can't give less than that.

It's in these moments of peace and stillness (which is often) I feel I can be everything.


Sleep comes like a drug...

It's impossible for me to make the pulses just appear out of nowhere. But, when I listen to this song, the goosebumps I feel come close to mimicking those spontaneous waves that flow through me...

Desert sky
Dream beneath a desert sky
The rivers run but soon run dry
We need new dreams tonight

Desert rose
Dreamed I saw a desert rose
Dress torn in ribbons and in bows
Like a siren she calls to me

Sleep comes like a drug
In God's Country
Sad eyes, crooked crosses
In God's Country

Set me alight
We'll punch a hole right through the night
Everyday the dreamers die
See what's on the other side

She is liberty
And she comes to rescue me
Hope, faith, her vanity
The greatest gift is gold

Sleep comes like a drug
In God's Country
Sad eyes crooked crosses
In God's Country

Naked flame
She stands with a naked flame
I stand with the sons of Cain
Burned by the fire of love
Burned by the fire of love

hat tip for the lyrics here


I've not posted anything at Leaping the Gap for a while. Not sure when I will.

I've ginned up a StumbleUpon page, as a companion to my tumblelog. Some links will be the same, but there may be a surprise or two.

Just a part of the constant evolution. Like the universe expanding outward.


Saturday, May 17, 2008

In Paris, I made a promise to myself to be bigger, to play bigger.

I am keeping that promise.

In terms of growth, spirituality, compassion, empathy, heart, soul, spirit, I don't want to be complete. Completeness here means to stand still. Even as I sit, I move like a early morning fog over the countryside. Lightly, but ever present.

Thank you for bringing out the best in me.


Friday, May 16, 2008

No allusions/no illusions

I love someone who doesn't love me. Normally, this would be the scene for some very high drama. But, it's not. I feel good about what I feel. What I have inside of me is love to give. It would be so easy to give in to sorrow, which I have felt. But the love I feel, for the one I can't have, and, for myself, trumps it all. Light beats dark.


``I've had everything I ever wanted in life. I've stood on the top of the mountain,'' he told the court. But now, ``the gold medal, all those people cheering, that was part of another world. ... In jail, my status is gone.''

No, Tim Montgomery, it was, and never has been, about status.

It is, and will continue to be, about nourishing and nurturing each other.


Yes, my sensei, I was resisting a part of you. But I never resist the parts of you that truly matter.


The drive

Again, on the drive into work this morning, I felt enveloped by this warm, invisible blanket, as if someone was holding me. Again.
It felt good.

Why did I dream about ice cream? And why did I feel the pulses in my dream?

A different place

I am not in the place that people, friends--even my sensei--want me to be in. So what is chehaw to do?

Continue to just be.


Thursday, May 15, 2008

I can, and have, set down what I feel. And still, they remain a deep part of me, of who I am.

My sensei, I don't want to be complete. I truly appreciate you saying that I am. But there is too much good work left to be done.

I have a lot of nourishment to give. I give it out because I want to receive nourishment. I want my spiritual roots to grow deep and strong. I want my partner's spiritual roots to grow deep and strong.

That growth, that learning, that exploring, never ends.

It expands like the roots of a mighty oak. It expands like the universe.


Animal kingdom

I love this post about an injured coyote in the woods, and what it can teach.

Here's a great takeaway...

When we give without assumptions, something special happens. We discover that we’re not giving in order to appease our own judgments, but that we are giving simply to GIVE. This is true compassion, and giving in this way is always a joyful thing. Nothing taints the purity of our giving.

This is most important when it comes to our relationship with ourselves. In our constant striving to make our lives better, we rarely stop to appreciate where we are. This simple skill is lost to us, and in this way we guarantee that no matter what we achieve, we will always be filled with desire for more.

It is fine to strive for more, but if we do it believing that our life will be better once we get what we want, then we’ll be trapping ourselves in an endless cycle. Let us see clearly enough to recognize that our joy is right here, right now, no matter what our circumstances. We may have just gotten a wonderful new job, just been diagnosed with terminal cancer, or be sitting down to a bowl of oatmeal in the morning. In each of these moments we are free to experience life, or to push life aside in a constant effort to make things better.

Right now. Right now. Right now.

I love where I am right now. You are correct, I don't have what I am...striving for. But, in this moment, and in every moment I've felt this week, I am. I simply am. Right now. At every moment, I enjoy where I am.

And this also sort of speaks to completeness. What I desire and strive for isn't tangible. It never has been. I want spiritual depth and growth.


Thank you

My sensei, for today, and this week.


From our friend...

The future belongs to God
and he will reveal it only in extraordinary circumstances.

(The Alchemist)

Thank you, kind sir.

I want a great, loving relationship with a great, loving woman. I want to nourish her body, her mind, her soul. I want her to feel like she is the most special and unique woman who ever existed. I want to see all sides of her. I want her to simply be.


It happened again this morning. I'm driving along, and this strange sensation comes over me. No, not the pulses. The feeling that I'm being held by someone. I felt the closeness, the warmth, of someone's body wrapped around mine.

Even at 65 miles an hour.


Like waves crashing along the shore, these vibrations, these pulses,
continue to flow through me.


I have my quirks, my idiosyncrasies, some unconventionalness.

What I also have is a heart open to love a woman uniquely, and a heart open to receive love.

I can cradle the soul of a woman in my arms, and make her feel like we are the only two people on the planet. I want to touch the place in her that makes her feel content, alive, still, thriving, excited. I wan to massage her soul, take the cares of the world away, and plant the seeds of nourishment for her. I want my soul to water and tend to those seeds, and watch them grow.


Dear diary

Today is like any any other day. Plus ca change, plus la meme chose.

I see all things I am, and all the things I want to be. I am a lot. I want to be a lot.

And, even in stillness, I feel peace. I feel...the same.

Plus la meme chose.


Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Don't look

Tibetan lamas often say: "Not seeing is the perfect seeing." Strange words, perhaps, but they have a profound meaning. They describe the advanced meditator's experience of spacious, universal reality, the experience beyond dualism.

-Lama Thubten Yeshe, "Introduction to Tantra"

I can just be, be still, not see.

And see everything in me and before me.



I was sitting here, writing some sad-sack entry about my heart and how men don't cry and blah blah blah.

But I'm not feeling that.

I don't have what I want. My heart does long for the love of another, yes.


I feel as good as I have ever felt. Because I can give a woman the nourishing spirit of my soul. Anytime this week I have consciously tried to be less than that, I always come back to the nourishment I have inside.

Like one of those Weebles, those egg-shaped toys that you pushed and pushed, and dropped onto the floor as a kid, and they always returned to center. (Weebles wobble but won't fall down.)

I return to center. My center is my heart.

My heart is as unfettered as it has ever been. As I've said, it is the most precious thing I have. I can't give a woman anything more precious than that.

A friend says I'm complete. I respectfully disagree. My incompleteness is in terms of my spiritual growth. My roots continue to grow deeper into the ground as my heart stretches into the heavens.

Why in the world would I want either one to stop?


They shouldn't be there this week. (they = pulses) I wasn't expecting them. But they are here. No problem.
The bad I see and the bad I experience make me want to do good and to be good. They serve to bring the best out of me.
Completeness denotes fullness, no space to grow.

I want space to grow, to learn, to do. To be.

All the while, my sensei, I have never lost respect for you.


The answer is

Hmmm, maybe not. Or maybe.
Yes, my sensei, even now, at this moment, you make me smile.

Yes, my sensei, I am still living my life.

Yes, my sensei, you continue to do so much for my soul.



We begin from the recognition that all beings cherish happiness and do not want suffering. It then becomes both morally wrong and pragmatically unwise to pursue only one's own happiness oblivious to the feelings and aspirations of all others who surround us as members of the same human family. The wiser course is to think of others when pursuing our own happiness.

The Dalai Lama
My sensei, yes, I still feel those pulses. I know they may scare you. But they are present in me. And something else. I don't dream the same way I did when we chatted often. Yes, you helped me dream.



Nothing new to report. I feel as good as I usually do. I feel like I can give everything to someone. That never changes.

I realized yesterday, again, how ingrained all of this is in me. I have much to give.


Tuesday, May 13, 2008

When I stand still, what do I feel? Is it real?

Part of life is overcoming yourself. We're not perfect, and that's why we strive for more, spiritually.

That's why I strive for more, spiritually.


A relationship, to me, is not competition, or a project where one remakes the other. It is about me nurturing, supporting and nourishing the one I am with. Every day, and not only in big ways, but in small ways.
Just like a friendship.


Not many words today, and that's...fine.
What am I doing, then?
Just being. And allowing the pulses to just be, as well.


The light of the morning brings the same feelings, same heart, same spirit, same peace.

Nothing has changed.


Monday, May 12, 2008

My sensei, all the words I have given have been in support of you.

And my words have been just there, present.



A good day.

Good night.

Bringing light

This is very, very intriguing....

Lightworking is a very challenging path. You can’t stumble into it by accident. It must be chosen consciously. Every day you must renew your commitment to raising consciousness instead of lowering it. Lightworking isn’t a perfect path. There will be plenty of obstacles, mistakes, and setbacks. What makes you a lightworker isn’t some external measure of success. What makes you a lightworker is your inner recognition that you have a choice to make and that you’re choosing this particular path deliberately, including its potential hardships.


I want everything that I do--everything--to be in spirit, toward spirituality.


Yes, there is

More than one way home...

Try, try , try

This is something I am aiming for.
My sensei, you once called me complete, and it was one of the best and most beautiful things you said to me. Because, I wasn't.
And, neither are you.
I don't say that out of spite. No one is complete. We are constantly evolving. 
The last thing I want now, or ever, is to be complete. I want to evolve, I want to reach higher, be more, be better.
Another reason the label of friend seems limiting to me.

Not in the usual places

I do not find myself in the usual places after heartbreak.

The places where I would be sad, angry, in despair. Or where I should be docile, quiet.

I am not there.

Where I am is very simple. I am in the realm of possibility, potential. Beyond limits, stereotypes. I am where I know and feel I can be. All of the things that make me, me, and all of the things I can be for someone.

Through these months, that has not changed.

Humbly, namaste.

Right now

What matters for me is right now. Not yesterday or tomorrow.
Just today.


A friend of mine said I should find a down-to-earth woman. But, I'm not a down-to-earth guy.


Yes, I have written a lot today. But I am as relaxed as I can be.

As if

Sometimes, if I am not in the place I want to be, I have to live as if I am.
It's not naviete that drives this notion, or blind optimism. It is an invisible hand massaging my soul, guiding me.
My sensei, yes, you are my friend. But I am not going to be a standard friend to you. We have experienced too much to be "just friends." What I feel, what you have made me feel, in my heart, my soul, my spirit is deeper, more heartfelt, more powerful than anything I have experienced in my life. So if you wonder why I resist "just friends," this is the reason.
Yes, I understand where you are in your life, and I respect that. I too understand where I am in my life, and it is unlike any other place I have occupied. This is why the usual conventions, words aren't settling in. The usual precepts about love and relationships can't contain or describe what I feel. I know what you seek in me is not what you're getting. Because I feel so much, I give so much.
My giving, my words are not of control. We both know that is impossible. My words to you are your favorite word: nourishment. For you, your heart, and your soul. No heavy hand of control, only the lightness of the present.
I have, though, placed several hats upon your wonderful head. Sensei, goddess, angel, muse, friend, poet. To me, you wear them all well. I readily see many good things in you. Especially the poetry. I have told you before--I think you should write, and share your heart with the world. Share your creativity. Nurture it and nourish it. I know of someone who can guide you.
In every word, action, deed I present to you, it comes from my heart, my soul and my spirit. It will remain so.
Even in the midst of this incredible wave, cycle, of energy I feel, I am utterly still. I know exactly how and what I feel.

There's a riot goin' on

Forty years ago, France was in the throes of a revolution that changed the nation. I won't go into all the details. But I love this quote.

Be realistic: Demand the impossible!

Vive la revolution.

Bienvenue ma revolution.



I dreamt of home home, and I dreamt of Paris.
I must be home now. I am home now.
Where is home? Wherever I am. The state of strength and peace I reside in now.

Don't push

I'm not pushing, I'm only allowing the force to guide me.

Mind vs. body

My upper back hurts.
From what I understand, that is a physical sign of depression.
My body is trying to tell me something that simply isn't true.
I'm not depressed. I feel all the great and wonderful possibilities of life that are present.
What I want most is not present. But the possibility of it powers and soothes my mind.
So who will when this battle, the body or the mind?
I may not write anymore today. I may not write any more tomorrow. Or ever again.
But if I lay down this instrument, the fire, the energy that utterly fills me up now will continue to burn, to bring light.
What I should be feeling right now is a ton, a ton of melancholy.
But no.
I am contrary. I am taking the opposite tack.
I am feeling the sheer joy of possibility. The sheer joy of being everything--everything--I am. Right now.
And thank you for the pulses.
All I'm doing this morning is following the flow of my energy. I'm floating down the river of it.
I'm totally aware of what's going on. I see clearly.
My sensei, thank you for the divine inspiration behind my words and feelings. It may not be the road we embarked on, but it is the road we are on.

I said a little while ago I wasn't worried. But...

What I am experiencing now is like a drug. Any feelings of sadness, despair, anger, are overtaken by joy, light, spirit, heart.

The core of me knows what it possess, and knows all of what it can give. And it will continue to give it on this roller coaster, this unknown road.


Core strength

The core of me consists of heart, soul and spirit. I can explore different facets, express them in different ways, but my heart, soul and spirit remain consist.

Like that Stevie Ray Vaughn song, I haven't given up on love, because it hasn't given up on me.



My sensei, you are chasing your truth.

Just as this sensei is chasing his.

Maybe one day our paths will meet. Maybe they are meeting now.


No worries

I'm not worried about the energy I possess. I have to possess it and use it wisely, of course.

Always there

No, sensei, I have never left your side. There's nothing for you to miss.



With the wind howling outside, and the rain falling down, I feel excellent today.

Sunday, May 11, 2008


Sometimes, words are the only thing I can give. So I give them freely, safely, and with peace, love and nourishment.


It's simple, really

I feel, and I write. The writing is the expression of my feelings. It is organic. I feel it, and I move with it.

Thank you for the space I find myself in.


Paul Valery - "At times I think and at times I am."
Thank you for tearing me down. And building me up.

Thank you for serving my higher and best purpose.


Nice ups

Right now, I'm trying to feel down. And I just can't do it.


Saturday, May 10, 2008


I have inner peace right now. Because I know flows inside of me, and I know what flows out.

What flows is love, heart, soul, spirit, passion.

What flows out (and wants to flow to someone) is love, heart, soul, spirit, passion.

The inner peace comes from wanting to have these flow in the heart of someone special.

The inner peace comes from my living all that I possess at every moment.



I'm speaking again, with a special podcast...


I never thought this blog would become what it has become. It is a place where my heart runs freely. Everything I have written comes from there, and I am glad. Everything I have written means much to me. I want my words to be actions again.

Seven months ago, my heart was broken. A vital part of me died then.

But. In the words of poker player Amir Vahidi, in order to live, you have to die.

Seven months ago, I died. Because of that, I live fully now.

I got something I never intended. I gave something I never intended.

I cry as I write these words. They are powerful to me.

I sacrificed my heart back then. I thrive with that stronger heart now. My heart was strong before it was broken. But that strength pales in comparison to what is there now. I can't go backward, though it is asked of me. Just like you, I can't betray my heart. I can't scorn its strength now. There lies incredible strength, beauty, feeling, spirit that I will allow to flow freely inside and outside of me. I won't turn my back on me, just as you won't turn your back on you.

There is no bitterness, no sadness, no anger in my words, my feelings. My words are just present.


T-shirt philosophies

From here...

The essence of love is acceptance, compassion, and forgiveness. Love is a gift
that must be given to yourself before you can share it with others. Pure love
manifests itself as a deep and unwavering sense of inner peace.

Strength extends beyond the bonds of the physical. True strength comes from within and is limitless in its power to support, heal and uplift you. Your will is directly linked to this infinite source of inner strength. Tap into this source and through sheer determination you will be able overcome even the most challenging obstacles.

When you Believe in something, you set into motion the infinite power of creation. Your beliefs direct and focus this incredible power, enabling you to create the life that you want to live. What you believe, you perceive!

'I bow to you.' An honoring of the divine in another while recognizing the divine within. The Namaste gesture represents a communication between yourself and another at the soul level, going deeper than personality and ego to connect through your heart or center of your being.

The joy of no

Joyfully, playfully, gratefully, thankfully, I say no to being less.

I am a friend, a lover, a confidante, a philosopher, a writer, a carer, a giver, a protector, a seeker, a finder, a sensei, a journeyer. All of these, and more I just can't think of right now.

My heart courses with all of these parts that make me who I am, and make me who I am for someone else.

With a warm smile on my face,


A trinity

No, I can't.

Though I want to be there.

But I still feel the feelings deep in me.

Hearing this song yesterday, and listening to it in my head, you'd think it set me off, push over the edge, given my current state. But no.
This is one of my favorite Bonnie Raitt songs. It's one of the songs I'd make love to a woman with. It's one of the songs I'd cradle a woman in my arms with. Far from being sad, it makes me feel good. The same depth of emotion in the song is the same depth of emotion I feel when I think about what I can give. Opposite thoughts between Ms. Raitt and me? Yes. But our pools of emotion and passion are just as deep and rich.



I'm not hanging on to the heart that was broken.

I'm hanging on to the stronger heart in me now.

That's why I still care, and send greetings. It all, heart, love, spirit, soul, still flows in and out me.


Friday, May 9, 2008

Pop the bubble

I don't want to live in a bubble, isolated from the world. I want to experience it. Not only the tangibles of the world, but the intangibles. The heart, the soul and the spirit that flow around it. I want them to flow into and out of me, in a loop.


I totally recognize how others may feel about their situations. I'm aware of that.

Negative into positive

One of the byproducts of how I feel is how quickly I feel like I can turn a negative feeling into a positive feeling.

It regenerates the positive flow. That's why I refuse (yes, refuse) to be down. Why I continue to give more.



"A good head and a good heart are always a formidable combination."

Nelson Mandela

Where I am

I am in a space that people normally avoid. Having had my heart broken, I should not feel and good, as wonderful as I do. I should feel sad.

It's the opposite.

I feel more capable, more able, more willing to be the man a woman wants. I wobbled, yes, but the experience made me stronger. The broken heart I had is replaced by the stronger heart I possess.

It's simple--after a fashion. I have refused to be less. I continued to be what I was and what I am--as good as I can be.

It could have been easy to slip into stereotypes, and stupid behavior. I choose to be everything I could be. I want to be everything I can.

Feeling the piece of my life that is missing, yes. But feeling strongly, powerfully, the good, warm, wonderful feelings of what I possess, and can give.

I am grateful to be in the place I stand in. I am thankful for the space I inhabit.


When I sleep, whether it's for the night, or a nap, I shut down a mind that whirs all the time.

Other than the dreaming, I am still. I can let things settle.

When I wake up, I check to see how I feel, if the thoughts and feelings are different from the night before. If my mind has changed about the quest.

It doesn't. It remains as it is.

I have never been in this place, this space, before. I would have walked away from this long ago. I always did. Yet, the river in me flows to places and destinations known, and unknown. I trust the waters to carry me, not drown me. The waters will nourish me. I trust the waters.


Feeding time

Why can't I say, or feel, anything differently right now? Sit in a corner, be quiet?

There is a river deep in me, a river of something I can't put a name on, that feeds my heart and my soul.

It runs strong. I flow with it.


Gray skies

My mood now is a little cloudy, like the skies out my window. But even now, I smile. It's ok for me to be a little gloomy. It's good to feel that tinge of sadness, melancholy. It comes, I feel it, and I let it out. I'm not afraid of it. There is always a silver lining to the sadness I feel. It's not stubbornness or naivete that make me feel this way. My heart is in a vastly different and beautiful place. I only wish I could share intimately what courses inside of me.



“We should count each day as a separate life.” - Seneca

It can be tiring sometimes, but I do this. And it's wonderful.

Not anymore

I used to hold my head above my heart. That time passed ages ago.

And I am grateful that it is gone.


This is why

I don't what to be attached to things, stuff. Not a good thing.

I want to be attached to ideas, people (yes), heart, soul, spirit.

I push things out I don't want to make room for the heart, soul, spirit I seek.

Water works

This is a beautiful passage from Paulo Coehlo. Thank you, kind sir.

The warrior of the light sometimes behaves like water, flowing around the many obstacles he encounters.

At certain times, resistance means to be destroyed. At such times, he adapts to circumstances. He accepts, without complaint, that the rocks along the way forge his path down the mountains.

Such is the force of water: it can never be broken by a hammer, or wounded by a knife. The most powerful sword in the world is incapable of leaving a scar on its surface.

The water of a river adapts to the path which is possible, without forgetting its objective: the sea. Fragile at its spring, it gradually acquires the strength of the other rivers it encounters.

And, after a while, its power is absolute.


Nocturnal nourishment

The crash of thunder this morning was unusual. It was prolonged, sustained. Powerful. It startled me out of my slumber, my dream of walking.

It soothed a soul already soothed. The rain that falls now washes my soul clean. I am grateful for this moment of grace.



I'm not going to sap your strength like others might. I'm going to give you strength.


TFTD/forever young

As we get older, change is harder for us to assimilate. We must never let ourselves get that way.

Red Rodney


It feels good to just be.

(Almost) a year

1,400 posts.

Tens of thousands of words.

Hours at a keyboard.

Smiles smiled. Tears shed.

I've been blogging for nearly a year, and I've been through many, many profound changes. Changes I sought, and changes I never saw coming. I've been knocked down, and I have stood tall. It's been an adventure.

Let the adventure continue.

When I end my blog posts with the word namaste, or when I say namaste, I am sincere about the meaning.
I bow to the divine in you.
I bow and pay tribute to everything that is good and full of light.
My (virtual) bowing is not out of subservience. It is out of the deep respect I have.
I bow out of gratitude and thankfulness for the opportunity to share my soul, my feelings, my heart.
That gratitude and thankfulness flows out from every fiber in my soul.

Thursday, May 8, 2008

As I lay me down to sleep

I feel good about where I sit. I'm grateful, thankful, humble.


Om mani padme hum.


A different place

I love the place I'm in. No, it's not where I seek. But where I am is wonderful. Full of possibilities and potential. Full of life. Full of everything good. Where I want to be is more wonderful.


More massaging

I think the pulses I feel are massaging my soul. Invisible hands nourishing me.

(Yes, this is a little freaky. But you know what? I've never, never felt anything like this before. So there it is.)



Yes, I want a great relationship with a great, loving woman.

I want to receive that love, too.

What pours out of me, ultimately, is love. I want that to manifest itself in whatever I do. I fall short, yes. But my intentions are good, and I try my best every time out. And maintain grace and dignity throughout.

It's a lot to do. But I'm up to the task.


Do be do be do

What can I do?

What can I be?

Much. Very much.



The great bard once wrote about all sound and fury signifying nothing.

I don't want my words to be fury. I want warmth, smoothness, light.

I also don't want my words to signify nothing. I want them to signify soul, spirit, the heart, and everything good associated with the word namaste.


“Miraculous, powerful, unfathomable reality”

You may not know Albert Hofmann, but you have heard of his discovery, lysergic acid diethylamide. Yes, LSD.
Now, let me state clearly--I AM NOT ON DRUGS. An occasional beer, that's it.
But the Economist obituary of him left me fascinated. People take drugs to escape their current situation, thinking they can ingest something to make them better. But the fall makes the trip not worth it.
What to do, what to do...How do you experience beauty, spirituality, light without drugs?
Take the advice in the last paragraph...
Mr Hofmann knew it was still possible to get to the same place. As a child, wandering in May on a forest path above Baden in a year he had forgotten, he had suddenly been filled with such a sense of the radiance and oneness of creation that he thought the vision would last for ever. "Miraculous, powerful, unfathomable reality" had ambushed him elsewhere, too: the wind in a field of yellow chrysanthemums, leaves in the sunlit garden after a shower of rain. When he had drunk LSD in solution on that fateful April afternoon he had recovered those insights, but had not surpassed them. His advice to would-be trippers, therefore, was simple. "Go to the meadow, go to the garden, go to the woods. Open your eyes!"
When I write, this is what I see, feel, touch, taste, hear. I want to open myself to feel all this, and to give all this.
"Miraculous, powerful, unfathomable reality"

Sixth sense

I know that for me to reach what I seek, I have to appeal to the five senses. And yes, he says humbly, I can. But I also have to appeal to another sense. The soul. To nourish it, to feed it, to massage it. To soothe it. That's the sense that counts.

Deep massage

This is how I feel right now. I feel my soul being deeply massaged by some force I can't see, but can feel. It is working my spiritual muscles, making them stronger.
My hands are strong, and they've been known to give good massages. My soul is stronger, and it gives even better massages.

Pump it up, pump it out

I want to pump up all the goodness I can muster. And then, pump it outside of me.

Thank you

for confirmation of the pulses I felt this morning. I had a feeling something was amiss.

Have not/have plenty

No, I don't have the love I want.
But I hhave love in my heart to give.
And that makes me happy.
When I nourish someone, I am not limiting them. Far from it.


All and one

What do I want to be for someone, I ask happily.

The sky a bird flies in. The wind that keeps a bird aloft.

The water a lotus grows in. The mud a lotus grows out of.

The sun that warms the earth. The blanket to warm a cold body.

This is why it's hard for me to be less. I want to be everything, and no-thing, at once. I'm not about smothering, but nurturing and nourishing.