Friday, February 29, 2008

Word of the day--2

Yes, it's a four-dollar word. But a cool four-dollar word. Probably spoken by a man who spoke those kinds of words with ease.
No, I rarely agreed with William F. Buckley. But the words he used with utter ease and that slight English/patrician accent was a joy to behold.

Found wisdom

"What man actually needs is not a tensionless state but rather the striving and struggling for a worthwhile goal, a freely chosen task."

~ Viktor Frankl

Oh by the way

Happy Leap Year Day

What I am going beyond?

I want to go to the extraordinary and beyond the ordinary. Tres simple, n'est pas?

Farmer in the dell

I have such fertile ground. I want to keep tilling it and watch my crops grow.

Warm yourself up

To this...

As Jesse Jackson once exclaimed

It's morning time



One must still have chaos in oneself to be able to give birth to a dancing star.

Friedrich Nietzsche (1844 - 1900) Source: Thus Spoke Zarathustra: A Book for All and None

(hat tip)


Throughout this, I see the perspectives of others.

Words of the day

For me, they are:

Go beyond

Be better

Good morning


Thursday, February 28, 2008

I shake my head at what I feel and what I can do. Merely writing about it can't do it justice.

The celebration will continue overnight, and in the morning.


Thank you for this


Outside the lines

I'm not an overly religious person, but I seek inspiration where I can find it. And this speaks to me.

(hat tip)

Don’t Be Limited by the System

Do you ever feel like you are limited by the system of this world? You go to work, get a paycheck, and that determines your limits. Maybe you have dreams and desires, but you don’t feel like you have the right connections. Or maybe you don’t have the right education. It’s tempting to think, “I’ll never rise any higher. I’m limited to the system that I’m in.” But you have to remember, God likes to go outside the system! He likes to do unusual, extraordinary things. You may have a dream in your heart that’s bigger than your finances. It’s bigger than your education, bigger than anything that your family has ever done. And it’s easy to think, “Well, I don’t have the expertise. I don’t have the connections. I don’t have the right people behind me.” It may be bigger than your system but be encouraged today. You may not have the right connections but you have God—you and God are a majority! Your dream is not dependent on other people. God loves to take ordinary people and use them to do extraordinary things. You have not seen your best days yet. No matter where you are in life, no matter what environment you’re in, no matter how impossible your dreams may seem. You need to know God already has a plan. He already has a way. If you will stay in faith God will go outside the system and take you places that you never thought possible! He’ll take you way beyond your system and you live the life of victory He has in store!

I love this quote


To me, it's not about a conquest. And I don't have foes. What I like is the sentiment behind it.

(hat tip)

Conquer your foe by force, you increase his enmity; conquer by love, and you will reap no after-sorrow.

-Fo-Sho-Hing-Tsan-King From "365 Buddha: Daily Meditations," edited by Jeff Schmidt. Reprinted by arrangement with Tarcher/Putnam, a division of Penguin Putnam Inc.


I was worried.

Months ago, I wondered if the energy I felt would go away. I even worried about losing this power, this energy a few weeks ago.
Rocket scientists use gravity assist, or a "slingshot" to boost rockets and satellites into higher orbits, and off into deep space.
This morning I felt an invisible gravity assist lift me into a higher orbit. I don't question it, it's there. Then, this evening, two words gave me another boost.

Fabulous, indeed.
I allow myself to worry. To feel angst, sadness, tears. I let them in, and then they leave. They are never permanent guests. Energy, warmth, spirit, always--always--overtake them.

Party hat

When I write, I celebrate. This is a celebration of who I am as a man, as a human being. But it's more than that, more than me. It's a celebration of all the things--my heart, soul, my spirit--that I can give to someone else. And I celebrate every day. Not out of anger, or stubbornness, or arrogance. I celebrate because I have something that is wonderful.

My writing is the manifestation of the magic that lies inside of me. The magic that yearns to be free. The magic that yearns to give. The magic that has always been there.

Work in progress

As I have said before, I'm a slow starter--but a great finisher.

Them changes

Buddy Miles, drummer for Jimi Hendrix, died today. He was in Hendrix's Band of Gypsys in the late '60s, and had a hit of his own with 'Them Changes,' a great song. 
I saw him and his band in the late '90s at the now-closed Chicago Blues in Greenwich Village. I still remember how fantastic, groovy and bluesy his set was. How he powered through and pretty much set the place on fire. I stayed for both sets that night, and I'm glad I did.
He and Jimi are back together again, jamming and burning guitars.

Music time

Woke up this morning, and heard Eddie Harris's song "Cold Duck Time" going off in my head, with the refrain...
"Everything I do gonna be funky, from now on"

Another germ of an idea

I love ideas. Things, concepts, thoughts, people that spark innovation, revolution and evolution. When I get an idea, the smirk and the twinkle I get must be seen.

I just saw on the web something I can use for my blogs. ( I can't really monkey around with it now (I seriously must become an international man of leisure), but later, ah later.

I'm stroking my chin like the mad scientist I am...

Read everything I have written. It's fair to ask this of me:  Am I being delusional?


I'm happy to feel everything that I feel, right now. All the adjective to describe stunning and amazing fit properly. No drug can possibly do this to a human. I am full of potential. I am full of life. I am full of what I can give.

The ocean

I want to sit on the beach in the morning sun, watch the waves from distant lands wash against the shore. I want to cry, not tears of sadness, but tears of joy. At what I feel and what I can accomplish. Tears of potential.

Thank you

I just want to say it.

Thank you.

It feels good

To be bursting at the seams.

See the sign

On my way to work this morning, I'll pass it, as I do every morning. The billboard sits alongside the turnpike on the eastern spur, and even though the bridge is 100 or so feet off the ground, the pole it sits on reaches above the road, so drivers can see it. It's an ad for some health-care company. Its message:

There's a lot of heart here.

Yes there is.

Run away from me?

I saw this article from CNN (hat tip here), and I'm a little pissed.

Plainly, it's bullshit.

I'm not perfect, I stumble, yes, but I try my best. But I'm sick and tired of these stories about how dumb, stupid, idiotic and insane men are. I'm tired of being put in a box I don't belong in. I'm tired of limits and stereotypes, and being told by society that that's all your capable of being. I want to go beyond what people think I can do. I know I can go beyond it.

To me, the article says that you're one of these 10 types, and that's all you'll ever be.


All I've been talking about for days and weeks and months is potential and possibilities. Being more that myself. Greater than myself. This article wants to put me in a box that can't possibly hold all the things I am and can be.

I am capable of being more than the article says I am. I do more.
Capabilities, possibilities, potential. All right where I left them last night. Ready to be picked up. Ready to be.

Good morning.


Wednesday, February 27, 2008

In stillness

There is value in me standing still, just for a moment. Like a snow globe that has been shaken, I let the flakes fall gently to the bottom to see what is there.

What remains is good, strong, a joy to behold.

Then, I can be loud again.

Programming note

I haven't forgotten about the tumblelog, in the midst of my meditations and floating and seedlings and swimming ;-). There are a few tasty bits there now, with more to come later today.
NCAA basketball predictions to come soon also. Take Memphis--Calipari has 'em rollin' despite that setback to Tennessee.

The question

The question comes up everyday. What do I have to do to be in the place I want to be? Truly want to be? There is a key piece of my life that is missing. I have a lot, and I'm happy now, but I want more. What will it take for me to achieve it?

And another question: I’m good at my job. Why can’t I be good at finding this piece?

They come up—it’s natural for it to happen. And if you allow yourself, you can be laid low by them. Knocked off course by them. Left weeping by them.


Something amazing happens. My heart, my soul, my spirit turn that negative, draining energy into something golden, bright, warm. Positive, transformational, urgent. I do nothing consciously to make this happen. It just does.

Imagine a ballerina dancing out of a spin. Or a running back cutting around linebackers. It’s sort of like that.

My capacities to give, and forgive, remain enormous.

I go beyond what I can do, and go to what I can be.

Strike a pose

See this? I've been doing this a lot over the past few days. And it feels good. I did it to center me and to say thank you. And often with a smile. I shake my head in wonder and amazement at what I feel. Oh, to share this state.
I've called what I feel indescribable. Let's try to describe it.

It's warm, luxuriant, inviting, sensuous, open.

As I sit here, I give a lot to myself. I remember who I am. I'll always remember that. I will remember myself as I give myself to others.

Channeling James Brown

I feel good inside this morning. I feel good about what I can do, what I can give, what I can accomplish, for myself and for others. My heart, my soul, my spirit pours forth.

Thank you.

Good morning.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

What are you


Click here to get your own player.

My, my

Aren't we talkative tonight?

Click here to get your own player.

Talk talk

Listen my children, and you shall hear...

Seeds. Lots of seeds.

Hop aboard

Here’s a good history lesson and a good life lesson wrapped into a good story. I won’t describe who the Pullman porters were—I’ll let you read about it. What I loved about porters was the way they handle the racism they faced on the rails—with aplomb, nimbleness, and, if I may add, a little subversiveness. The dual role they played as both servants and psychologists was standard for the age. They wore many hats, besides the blue caps on their heads. And I love how they handled difficult passengers—they’d “nice ‘em to death.”


One more thing…Look at the picture of the three gentleman. To me, they are the epitome of dignity, grace, style and elegance. When I look in the mirror, I hope to see these things.


I’m not a Pisces (I’m an Aries), but I might as well be, as much as I talk about water. It’s beautiful to look at, beautiful to be in, and when it’s warm, it feels natural. A part of me.

Master gardener

Why do I seem to write about the same thing every single day?

Because over the past few days, weeks, months, I have been transformed. Reborn. Rediscovered. I was capable of so much before. I had always gone above and beyond before. And now, I continue to move higher and higher. Before I had a lot in me, always ready to give. Now, it yearns more than ever to be free and loose in the world.

We all have seeds in us that sometimes get covered over from time to time. Then along comes someone to uncover them, water them, nourish them. And we are grateful for them and their compassion. Thank you.

It may sometimes seem like I can't let go, or I am obsessed. I am beyond those trifling emotions. What has happened to me has been transformational. Every single day my heart bursts with potential, possibilities, capabilities beyond that of just the material. I feel like I can do more, not just for myself, but for others. I talk so much about giving. Because that is what I want to do. I can sit still and feel the energy rushing from me like a waterfall, ready to nourish someone.

There lies in me so much that wants to rush out, and I let it. To contain it would drive me nuts. This feeling of potential, of possibilities, is indescribable. It truly is. Maybe, it's like going tubing down a river on a warm summer day, sun warming your skin and your soul. Or like eagles flying in the thermals overhead. Or those dolphins gliding under the warm sea.

I feel like I am capable of everything. Doing, being, becoming everything. I want to showcase what I am and what I can be. I can be so much, that it makes me smile. I still yearn to be so much, everything, for someone. To nourish and nurture a woman the same way I am, and continue to be, nourished and nurtured.

So every day, it's the same joyous, wonderful, beautiful, amazing song. My capacities for being more than, and better than, grow. Every day, I go a little bit beyond. I love this. I want to go beyond, for more than myself.

This is my story, this is my song.

Thank you.


Monday, February 25, 2008

A smile

I go to bed tonight feeling wonderful. Feeling like I have so much, and have so much to give. Good night.

A bold declaration

I probably won't marry an American woman. It's hard for me to see it happening. It comes from years of experiences here and abroad.

I'm a kid

I love this message from our old friend....

Which is the best example to follow?

Dov Beer of Mezeritch was asked:

‘Which is the best example to follow? That of the pious man who dedicates his life to God without ever asking why, or that of the erudite man, who tries to understand the will of the Almighty?’

‘The best example to follow is that of the child,’ replied Dov Beer.

‘But a child knows nothing. It doesn’t even understand what reality is!’ was the general response.

‘There you are much mistaken, because the child has four qualities that we should never forget. A child is always happy for no reason. A child is always busy. When a child wants something, he or she shows great persistence and determination in demanding that thing. Lastly, a child is always very quick to stop crying.’

Give me a whistle

And call me coach.

A lot to ponder on the road

I want a lot, and yet, so little at the same time. But I want to give so much more. I want heart and soul and spirit and love. I want to give more heart, more soul, more spirit, more love than I receive. It is just the way I am. My capacity is overwhelming.

Yet I am so thankful and grateful to have these gifts bestowed upon me.

(There are times when I write I feel the words, the emotions the feelings rushing like a waterfall.)

I want gold, yes. But only so I can give platinum.

Hot fuel rods

My heart burns like a nuclear reactor.


But without the threat of contamination. J



Clear screen

Remember Tetris? That game with the blocks that fell and you had to line them up to clear them? (Admit it, you did—I had a Game Boy just like you did.)  


The object of the game was to keep the screen clear of those blocks. Shouldn’t that be the object to life? To be free of barriers and walls? To be one with your environment?


I think so.

Loosen up

I'll be on the highway in about an hour. And as I pass people, and people pass me, I'll notice how drivers grip their steering wheels. It's usually something akin to a vulcan death grip. Maybe it's stress, maybe they weren't trained properly.
When I started out driving, I had the same kind of grip. My mom said to relax, stop stressing out and stop being nervous. Of course, mom was right.
Today, I have a very relaxed grip on the wheel. Maybe too relaxed. I hook my left thumb and index finger around the wheel and guide the car, making small corrections as needed. Relaxed, loose, but ready to react when the occasion calls for it.
That's what I am in life. Or at least, strive for. Relaxed, but ready.
There is sadness in where I lack, but there is joy in what I have in abundance, joy in my ability to give it. This is the most incredible feeling. I'm sad that I can only write about it, and not give all the heart, the spirit, the soul, that I have.

I am grateful for this abundance of heart, spirit and soul.

Sunday, February 24, 2008

I am grateful for this beautiful feeling I have now, and I'm grateful for the source of these words and feelings.
Through my words, I am trying to bring light into the world.

As I say goodnight, the light doesn't shut down. It continues to burn bright.

A little bit better

That's what I want to be, for others.

(Look, I feel like I live for myself too much. I want to live for someone else. That's all,)


Every so often, I look back at what I write, out of curiosity and to see what I was before. I looked back at this post, from about six weeks ago. And I can feel my heart continuing to grow, surely, steadily, every day. All I want to do, truly do, is to share this enormous capacity with someone. That's all. I want someone to feel the warmth I feel at any moment.

Holy holy holy

"Be patient with yourself. Self-growth is tender; it's holy ground. There's no greater investment."

Stephen Covey

Found wisdom

Warriors have an ulterior purpose for their acts which has nothing to do with personal gain. The average man acts only if there is a chance for profit. Warriors act not for profit, but for the spirit."

Carlos Castaneda

True definition

People often associate the word warrior with something violent. But here lies a different definition. It's not about being someone who whups up on everyone, but someone who protects and defends others. (There's a nice illustration midway down that shows this well.) I'm striving to do this, to be this. To protect others, to defend others. To go beyond myself.

Toward the end of the piece, there is a pullquote that speaks deeply to me.

Life, not culture, color, creed, or behavior, is the most important and universal value. Life is worth defending. This is the goal of our training: to protect life.

And this is great, too:

25 years into my training, all of the talking and philosophizing has really all come down to this:
1. Be a defender of life.

2. Keep going.


Is this what you are? :-)

A slow, cool wind

Reading this was like a fresh, cooling wind hitting my face...

To study the Way is to study the self. To study the self is to forget the self. To forget the self is to be enlightened by all things of the universe.

Saturday, February 23, 2008


Do without doing. Know without knowing.

Have I been doing this all along?

What remains

After the storms, the wind, the rain, the snow? All the consternation, the strife?

The heart, the soul, the spirit, the love. The foundation of it all. Solidly rooted to the earth, and still stretching to the heavens.

The fairer sex

The greatest influencers in my life have been women. Intentional or not, they have always steered me, guided me, enlightened me. This will continue. Why? I find women more fascinating than men. Simple as that.

Question this

(Another lost treasure...)

Every year, posts a question for learned minds (and the rest of us) to mull over. This year's question is this--

When thinking changes your mind, that's philosophy.
When God changes your mind, that's faith.
When facts change your mind, that's science.

What have you changed your mind about? Why?

I have changed my mind about me. I am fine as I am. Yes, I waver, get tossed by storms. I don't feel the need to be a macho jerk. Being a macho jerk would blind me to the things I need to do on the path I tread. It doesn't mean I am not a man. I am. My vision is much greater.

Why? Two reasons, two women. I took a nutritional program last year, and through it I lost 50 pounds. But it is more than that. It is taking control of my life and paying heed to everything I put into myself--food, thought, emotion, passion. I can't pay attention if I can't see. Through that program, I can see more clearly.

And another woman, who I have an interesting relationship with. I don't know where it will go, though I know where I would like it to go. She has opened my heart, my soul. My senses have been opened by her. She has moved me more than any woman has. She has been a light to me, and for me. Even in the face of adversity.

Cool is as cool does

Cool isn't just a style. It's a state of mind.

Here's a theory...

The clothes I wear are a small glimpse into me, into anyone. What is key is how the person in the clothes not only carries themselves, but how they see themselves. I can wear whatever I choose, from a well-cut suit to a Canadian hockey jersey to sweater, or a daishiki. It's how I carry myself in them that counts.

This comes from a story about Barack Obama's style. What he wears on the campaign trail isn't vastly different from everyone else. What is different is that he carries himself much differently than Mike Huckabee or John McCain.

Key quote...

Hastreiter still sees a kind of cool embodied by the likes of Miles Davis, Mick Jagger or the beat poets. It is a 1960s version based not on attire but on confidence, self-satisfaction and life philosophy. The cool cats seemed to be living to the rhythms of a personal soundtrack. That notion meant something; it had longevity. Who would declare Jagger uncool even today?

So, do clothes make the man, or does the man make the clothes? In Obama's case, I'd argue for the latter. The clothes are the outward embodiment of the inner confidence of the wearer.

Cool lasts longer than 15 minutes, not because of the staying power of the clothes, but the staying power of the person in them.

If I'm wrong, tell me. Correct me.

North Portland

I don't have anything new to wake up to in the morning. Except for the same glorious feeling I have every morning. I feel I can do and be anything and everything. What I am capable of, my potential and my possibilities, are limitless. They are not bound to earthly, material things. They are the ideas that make us as humans unique.

Thank you for being my engine.

(The headline refers to a song by Robert Glasper. Every morning, when I wake up, I hear this.)

A correction

Or maybe a clarification.

I wrote earlier that the mirror lies. That it can't tell you everything about you. Just what is on the surface.


I've been lifting weights for the past few weeks. Nothing serious, just some exercises to keep me active. Anything to not be a couch potato. I stood in front of said mirror this morning, naked. And said, damn, I look good.

Now, I am a humble and modest man. But sometimes, the mirror doesn't lie.


I understand what is real. I see it is in my profession everyday. I want to continue to find what is possible. Occasionally I glimpse it. Occasionally I live it. I want more than occasional. I think I am continuing to move in that direction. I can be still, and feel like I am swimming through the atmosphere, instead of walking or biking or driving through it. That easy.

What can I do? Where can I go? What more needs to be done? These questions I have always asked myself. It's that cycle of giving and receiving giving.


Intent is not a thought, or an object, or a wish. Intent is what can make a man succeed when his thoughts tell him that he is defeated. It operates in spite of the warrior's indulgence. Intent is what makes him invulnerable. Intent is what sends a shaman through a wall, through space, to infinity.

Carlos Castaneda

(hat tip)

The L-word

I'm not scared of the word. Truly, I am not. Sometimes, if I say it, it might scare someone away. My timing may not be good, but the intention is far from scaring away. Everything I do, everything I write, holds its intention. I want to direct my actions, my words, my feelings, toward it. I may not say it explicitly, but it is always there. It directs me, guides me. It's at the core of what I do. When I say I give, this is what I am giving. Strip away the frippery and finery, and this is what I give. This is what is there.

Love. I can't help but give it.


Last night seemed a fertile night for dreams. Maybe it was the snow. What I can remember...

  • being in the White House, walking in the service level before going to the main level
  • kissing a friend in Paris as she went off to find a book by a buddy of mine
  • looking in the mirror at my six-pack abs (which is slowly, slowly becoming a reality)

Friday, February 22, 2008

State of play

My natural state, whether I have been conscious of it or not, has been, and will be, a state of giving. Giving of myself, to others.

I got that feeling

This state of being, this feeling that I have, this whatever-you-want-to-call-it, I can feel it around me. Warming me, guiding me, leading me. Thank you.
From our old friend...

Angels are love in motion. They never rest, they struggle to grow, and they are beyond good and evil. Love that consumes all, that destroys all, that forgives all. Angels are made of that love, and are at the same time its messengers.
(The Valkyries)

Where is

The center of the universe? Anywhere you are.


The first hours of a snowfall are beautiful. People, declining the idea of trying to slog through the roads, stay home, stay in bed, stare out the window. Watch nature change. Watch their surroundings slowly, elegantly, change from the dullness and the sameness they know to a fleeting moment of beauty. Take pictures, not with a camera, but with your mind. Capture them and remember them when you seek a moment of peace and tranquility.

Snow day

Have you ever swam in the snow? I have...

Thursday, February 21, 2008

At any moment

Everything that I have is ready to be given. To grow, to nourish, to nurture.

Seconds tick

At any given moment, stillness begets readiness, which begets being.

I am at once rooted, stretching to the stars, and floating in warmth.

Mere words, mere words...

Happy little clouds

Any sadness I may feel becomes temporarily. Imagine a beautiful crisp fall afternoon, the sky filled with blue. Then you notice a cottony cloud. You watch drift, float over you, and disappear over the horizon. It floats along. Just like you.

And, if all else fails, just be a happy little cloud.

(Don't get the reference? Look here.)

Perpetual optimism

Here’s a theory for you.


An optimist, at his core, is a realist. He understands the storms and vicissitudes that life brings. Clearly.


Yet, he remains undaunted in the face of them. The goals on his journey are always clearly seen.  

Is Tiger Woods an underdog?

Sometimes we put ourselves into holes. We never mean to, but it happens. We become an underdog. Then what?


Then, we become Tiger Woods. And get out of the hole we dug for ourselves. Like he did at the Accenture Match Play Championship. Three down with five holes to play, he summoned his indomitable will to win.


We can get in it, and we can get out. Sometimes all it takes it sheer force of will.


One of my favorite sculptures has moved. “The Awakening,” for nearly thirty years, has been at Hains Point in Washington. The setting was perfect for it, with the views of the water and the monuments surrounding it. A developer bought it and had it moved to his new baby, National Harbor. A shame, because I’m not sure if the surroundings will fit the piece. But, hey, it’s his dime.


Why is it my favorite? It’s about coming out of the ground to breathe new, fresh air. For some of us, it’s about breathing anew.



Like a moth to a flame

I am drawn to, attracted to, what is different, what is unique. Anything else bores me. I don't want status quo, the same old same old. I don't want down to earth. I want to be challenged.

As they say

In the soap operas...

The role of chehaw will be played today by Will Smith.

Think about this

From here...

The Buddha is your real body, your original mind. This mind has no form or characteristics, no cause or effect, no tendons or bones. It’s like space. You can’t hold it. It’s not the mind of materialists or nihilists. If you don’t see your own miraculously aware nature, you’ll never find a Buddha, even if you break your body into atoms.



To wake up like I do, every morning, full of possibilities and potential and capabilities, is stellar.

Dare I say, amazing.

Thank you

For those discoveries, and making me stretch out. And thank you for your uniqueness.


Talents. Another word that exists for what I have to give and to share.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Life is not lived in a vacuum. What I do, what I feel, how I act, affects other.

What others do, what others feels, how others act, affects me.

It's a continuum.

In another's shoes...?

I'm not saying that his journey is my journey. But we are both walking through different territory. And enjoying the journey.

Less is more

My journey should be, and needs to be, less about me, and more about what I can for others, outside of myself.

Thank you

If you're not saying it every day, you should.

I am thankful and grateful for what I have right now.

It's not hard to be grateful and thankful.


Yes, my ambitions are different. Intangible. But just as vital.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Hang your hat on this

I run my mouth a lot about dolphins, energy, beautiful, mysterious sources, and other dreamy imagery of my state of being. Beautiful, but maybe a little intangible. You want something more, say, graspable.

Peep this.

Part, not all, but part of where my energy comes from is the food I put in my body. My goal is sustainability. I'm up 16 to 18 hours a day. I don't want my energy to wane. All the superfood, protein shakes, bananas, raisins, soy nuts, Oskri bars and green tea I ingest sustain me physically. (And before you get any ideas, all this healthy food makes those double cheeseburgers and that filet mignon with cabernet sauvignon that much more delicious.)

I am conscious of the food I put into my body, and it helps me be conscious of my soul.
I come before you not wanting to proselytize, to beat you over the head with what I feel. Close your eyes, and imagine an ocean with the bluest water you've seen. And imagine the sky, the bluest you can think off. Now, dive below the surface. You're a dolphin, swimming, frolicking through the sea, your natural state. You flow and swim strong and far and free. Occasionally, you leap into the air, just out of sheer joy.

That's what I feel.

That's what I want to share.

To answer the question

Yes, the pulses are still present.


The old rules, the old stereotypes, the old ways of thinking. They shift and meld and reform and break out into new ways of seeing. You never lose the old, there is always a glint remaining. It helps the new shine.

A different place

Where I am now, physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, is unlike any place I have ever been. Words can’t describe this state, or describe how much I yearn to share this beyond this limited space.

Burning bright

This is a great article from Cultivate Greatness on how to keep the fires of dreams and imagination burning, And eight powerful ways to keep your eyes on the prize...

1. Design a mind-compelling blueprint for success that has deep meaning for you to complete.

2. Propel yourself into action. Never despair over the time it takes for your dream to become a living reality.

3. Focus! Concentrate on your goal, not the challenge and you will burn a hole in anything that stands in the way of your success.

4. Expand your thoughts as you modify your habits and behavior.

5. Be patient. Recycle feelings of anger and fear into joy and gratitude.

6. Be receptive and responsive to inner guidance and outer assistance.

7. Success in any endeavor is measured by your belief in your deeper self.

8. Walk in the awareness of answered prayer.

A cleansing workout

I've got a million dreams. All I do is dream.

--Duke Ellington

Me, too.

For the past few months, I've dreamt almost every night. I can't remember all of them, but I know I have. I don't get much sleep (five to six hours), but what I do get is very restful. It's one of the reasons (among a few) I feel amazing (!). My brain must be working me out overnight, cleansing itself and preparing itself to be better. To do better.

The body needs a workout. So does the mind.


The sun will run out of energy. But that day is a long, long way away.

And someday, I'll run out of energy, too. But if I keep waking up like this every morning (or most mornings), that day will be a long, long way away.

Monday, February 18, 2008

As I drift off, what I feel flowing through me, words cannot do justice to it.

Finding your way

We all get a little lost sometimes, no big deal. You always find your way back. Let's say you somehow lost your way to this corner. No problem. Bookmark this...

Chehaw's Station
I don't worry about how long I can sustain this feeling, though the question pops up. There are times where I may have to dial back a little, to conserve strength. But I know where I can be, and should be. The goal is always in sight.

Rain dance

It's raining really hard now, very unusual for February. The sound of the rain as it hits the ground is like a symphony for this soul. I could listen to it all day.

Good morning

To wake up the way I wake up every morning is...amazing. My dreams have worked out my subconscious mind overnight. I lie in bed, feeling my heartbeat, my blood, my life, coursing strongly through my body. My nerves, everything, pulse and tingle with expectation, readiness. Mere words cannot describe this feeling. They cannot. I wish indeed that I could bottle this. Or something. I want to share this state.

Saturday, February 16, 2008

Recite this mantra

just recite it

om mani padme hum

Does music matter?

Yes, it does...


The words, the heart, the soul, the spirit, the life, all flow like a mighty river. It is natural to flow and swim here, in these waters.

Down the drain

The cynicism that marks the way I pay my bills is draining away from me.


I'm not a big souvenir collector. When I go to a place, I want experiences, not overpriced, poorly made tchotckes that you can get anywhere. Now, if I see something unique, special, yes, I'll gladly snap it up.

When I was in Paris last week, I passed a lot of souvenir stands. All stuff I've seen before. What did I bring back? Pictures. Coming around a corner and seeing the Eiffel Tower at night. Having a drink in a drugstore. Breathing in Paris.

And bringing back from Paris what I already have.

Ticket to ride

Do you know what a space elevator is? It's a idea to move payload from the ground to space without a rocket. It's a little pie in the sky now, but like a lot of space-based ideas, it will come to fruition someday.

Hang on with me here. I sort of feel like this idea, this contraption. Are you still with me? Good. Here's the deal. I feel firmly rooted to the ground. My core is strong, deeply planted. But my heart, my soul, my spirit, and an angel. Oh, those wonderful machines. They are what propel me higher and higher. I wonder how high they can go, how much longer their engines can burn. Then I stop, marvel at their power and grace and elegance. And ride with them.

Still with me?

Then ride with me.


Why can't I say/write anything different? Because what I feel is very strong, very natural. It pours forth like nothing I've experienced. I don't want to contain this. I want this out into the world.

Observations from the road

I want the same thing in life as I have when I drive: to be one with my surroundings. Even in a red car. With the sunroof open in the winter.

Am I really more awake than most? Modesty says no. But I look around, and I wonder.

(And just because I am modest doesn't mean I don't recognize what I have. )

A convertible would be nice.

On some stretches of highway, I feel like I am swimming and not driving. The sensation is indescribable.

I want to share what I feel and what I have.

No lie

I walked out of my flat this morning, looked into the sky, singing this tune...

Friday, February 15, 2008


My body, my soul, my spirit utterly pulses and tingles and ripples right now. And for no reason. They just are.

I feel l like a kid on a swing.

This is not coming from a sugar rush, or God forbid, something chemically induced. They are just there.

If I could bottle this, and bottle sex, that private island in the Caribbean is mine.

Just to be clear

I’m not always so serious, so sober, so spiritual, so…mystical. I like a good double cheeseburger and a beer as much as the next guy. I like to sleep in. Be lazy. Yell, scream. Let my hair down (though I don’t have much hair to let down.) Wear flat fronts instead of pleats.


So now, I’m going home, driving with the sunroof open. And let people imagine how crazy I am.



A big smile

A big, big smile has been planted on my face today.


Thank you.



To be overwhelmed by sadness this morning is easy. The news from the Midwest is awful, and again we are left to wonder why. Ultimately we are driven by hope of better moments and better days to come.

A hug

There are a lot of people in this world who need a hand. Not just a few quarters or a dollar bill, but an arm around a weary shoulder and some words of hope, care and help. The young man who killed the five students in Illinois may have needed some comfort. I don’t know; maybe I’m presumptuous.

Can a commercial bring you to tears?

When I watched the Super Bowl, I saw an ad of a cartoon. A man was pushing a rock up a mountain, invoking Sisyphus. Finally, the man made it to the top of the mountain. The mountain was revealed to be a mountain of rocks.


The ad was for GMC Truck.


A little while ago, a commercial asked the question: does the person make the journey, or does the journey make the person.


The Louis Vuitton ad didn’t answer the question.


To be sure...

I want to make sure that I am not so wrapped up in my own personal journey, that I do not forget about others. I want my journey to be more than me.

Even more words

The words I write I see, but not just on a computer screen. I see them inside me. I see them in the heart. The soul. The spirit. The snow, the rain, the sky, the clouds. Faces seen and faces in my soul. The road, the airplane. Smiles. Frowns. Laughs. Tears. In a drink on the Champs Elysees. In the face of the Mona Lisa. In the woods. In the water.


This amazing life

You have the N-word, and the F-word. Then there is the A-word.


The word grates on me because there has usually been a but right after it (as in, you're an amazing guy, but...). The word has been on my mind a lot. I want to be more than amazing. I'm ready to be everything. I want to be everything. (Dare I say, right now, I am everything...? ;-)) A little ambitious, yes. That's why stars are in the sky. To make you reach for something greater than yourself.

More than words

I pour out a lot of words here. I do it because right now, I can't translate those words to actions. My words long to be more than words. Yes, they can comfort and inspire and lead and smile. But they yearn to become action. They yearn to be more. They yearn to be big. As big as the writer.


Challenges are wonderful for the soul. They bring out the best in you. Do not be afraid of them. Luxuriate in them. They are warm water to swim in.

I thrive in warm water.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Wisdom of youth

I'm stealing this from my brother. And yes, it's in the language of youth...


(I'll let you translate it)


It's very easy to slip into the habit of not trying, when confronted with a gross example of stupidity. Or hiding, or running away.

I've seen and heard too many examples of men behaving badly. I've had my example or two of not thinking through. Their examples, and my knuckleheadness, could make me retreat into the woods, scared to come out.

I will not retreat. I will acknowledge the fact I am a human being, prone to error. And I will improve, get better, be better. I will see these examples, not as not how to be, but how to be better. Better for me, better for the ones I love. I want to be everything that is good for someone and to someone.

What angers me and saddens me is that, here I am, trying to do right and to be right for someone, and I see examples of less than trying, and wonder what in the world is going on?

No, I will not play small. I will not be small. I will be everything I humanly can. If more is needed, more will be given.

I do not feel sad. I feel like I can conquer the world. I just want love.

A rant, a vent, a rage

We interrupt this message of love and heart soul for an urgent bulletin…

I’m not happy.

As a matter of fact, I am seething.

A (female) friend of mine got flowers from a (male) friend today. I know what you’re thinking—it’s Valentine’s day, you chucklehead. But the guy days earlier had sent her a nasty note, and she wanted a week where they didn’t speak (no, they aren’t dating—it’s a long story). She didn’t want the flowers, but it was too late—they were on the way. And the note with the flowers did not contain an apology.

Look, I stand before you naked. I have made brain-dead mistakes with women—cases of not thinking before acting. I’ve recognized my mistakes, and I apologized for them. I want to be better for myself, better for others. I’ve never sent a nasty note to a woman. Never. But what boils my blood is the reaction of the woman’s other male friends, who say basically she should take the flowers and just get over it. What am I missing here? What am I missing? Why am I wired so damned differently from every other guy? No woman wants to be treated like that. Right?

Admittedly, I’m a nice guy. Do I have be a jerk to land a woman? What is it going to take?

It all makes me angry enough to cry.

I want to be better for someone else. There, I said it. If that makes me different from everyone else, then I’m different.

And now, back to regularly scheduled programming, already in progress.

Then, what is it?

It’s not euphoria, even though there is happiness. It’s not melancholy, even though I am a little sad. It’s what I can give, and what I can sustain, what I can be—love, heart, soul. I don’t have a name for it. It just is.


I’m writing what I feel, and how I am, right now. And I am stringing together a lot of right nows. This part of the journey is incredible. It’s still missing something, but it is incredible. I have been touched by something special, and I want to return the favor.

Happy Valentines Day


I laid in bed this morning, listening to my heart beat, coursing blood through my body. If I wonder how I can sustain this state of being I am in now, this is how. This helps powers me. What is all this doing to me? Something unique, something wonderful, something special. It is not wearing me down, it is building me up, making me better. In hindsight, it has always been there. Not jumping up and down, screaming to the heavens, "Hey, look at me." It's there everyday in a hello, a how are you, tell me what is going on, how can I help, I wish I could be there for you, I want to be there for you. It is sustaining, life-giving. Everyday. It has always been there.

What I have to give, to offer, is deep, rich, comforting, loving, giving, creating, soulful. If you smother a flower, it will not grow--that's common sense. I want to be the life-giving, life-sustaining water for someone's flower. Not only do I want to be--I can be. I have enough to share. I want to be all I can be, all I know I can be, for someone.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008


Ok, now, I'm tired. Let's wind it down, and see what discoveries tomorrow brings.

And let's see what discoveries my dreams bring.


The source

Every body of water, from a spring to an ocean, must have a source. You are my source. Thank you.

Hard things are hard

But this is easy. How hard is it to feel the way I do right now? The hardest thing is not to have a vessel in which to pour my heart and my energy. It's not easy. What is easy is having the heart and the energy. All the synonyms you can think of for boundless, there they are. They apply. What I have in me is bountiful and abundant. What's missing is that vessel.
I'm not just looking to be the best me that I can.

I want to be the best me I can be for someone else. This is all I aim for.

A list I can like

I'm not a big fan of lists for self-improvement, but there are always exceptions to the rule.

Like this one.

Repeat everyday....

You can't fathom

The glories of hustling to Charles de Gaulle airport early in the morning, a clear shot up the highway, as motorcycles split lanes and you’re riding in the back of a van at 90 miles an hour. You marvel at the serene smoothness of the highway surface. The lights whizzing by in the median. The tiny cars zooming by. The absence of drivers gabbing away on their phones.


France is a marvel.

Sound of...steak?

The rain falling now (after yesterday's snow) sounds very much like steak sizzling on a grill.

The sizzle is in the steak.


I woke up this morning standing at the edge of a pool that seemed to stretched forever. I dived in, and glided through the warm water liked I belonged there. I stayed below the surface, not because I didn't want to come up for air, but because the warmth and the movement felt so natural, so playful.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008


No, I'm not a cyborg. Cyborgs can't feel what I feel in every pore, every cell, every fiber, every nerve of my being. They can't. But I can. And it feels wonderful. It's not going to wither.

Ten to one

Ideas stolen from the web and a friend...

Ten things you wish you could say to 10 different people right now (don’t list names):
1 I am everything you want
2 Thanks for kicking me in my butt
3 Your graciousness is to be emulated
4 Moving halfway around the world will be good for you
5 Calm down, it's ok
6 I'm sorry things are really bad there
7 I've always admired your selflessness
8 Thank you for putting up with me
9 Thank you for turning this battleship around
10 You need more than a dog in your life

Nine things about yourself:
1 I'm really more exciting than I appear
2 Things/people/concepts that are different attract me
3 I'm an explorer/seeker/voyager
4 I hate stereotypes, and 'roles' that limit
5 I seem strong on the outside, but I'm really kinda sensitive
6 My heart, my soul, my spirit continue to grow every minute, every day
7 I may seem slow, but I am always ready
8 I thrive on challenges
9 I play big

Eight ways to win your heart:
1 Care
2 Smile
3 Laugh
4 Hold me
5 Understand
6 See
7 Feel
8 Love

Seven things that cross your mind a lot:
1 Perseverance does pay off
2 Losses
3 Potential
4 Brussels
5 The journey
6 Pulses
7 Sex

Six things you wish you never did:
1 Say what I had stupidly said
2 Left Brussels as soon as I did
3 Not brought flowers
4 Be quiet
5 Stand by

Five turn offs in a guy/girl
1 Dullness/boring
2 Ignorance
3 Lying
4 Being late

Four turn ons in a guy/girl
1 Passion
2 Hands
3 Eyes
4 Spirit

Three smiles that describe your life
1 ;-)
2 :-(
3 :-)

Two things you want before you die
1 Be a father
2 Be someone's everything

One confession
My silence does not mean I am quiet.


In my old room back home, there is a tattered ad from a magazine still taped on the wall. It's from the U.S. Air Force. It shows an F-5 jet soaring into the sky. In bold, black letters, the words:

Aim High. The potential is boundless.

Those six words spoke to me as a teenager. They still do today. My potential as a man, as a human being, knows no bounds, no walls, no chains.

This is what I have always done. I may not have been aware of it at the time, and that's fine. It's innate, it's in me. It is me. I am playing big. In every day, in every way, I am playing big, playing for more, playing for better, even playing to be. Not necessarily for material gains; but for the important things--the heart, the soul, the spirit. I will play big for me, and I will play big for someone else.

If I am obsessed with anything, it is giving of myself. I will release what I have unto the world, in knowing someone will capture it. This way, it becomes less about me, and more about nourishing and nurturing someone.

If I am letting go, it is letting go of this incredible and boundless energy that I feel. I want to let it out into the world. Touch it, power it.

I am here on this earth, this third rock from the sun, to fulfill my potential.

The energy I possess is the energy of a child, who can seemingly run and run and run all day, all the while with a beautiful smile across their face.

I can't swim, but when I close my eyes, or am still, I feel like a fish, a dolphin, gliding free and fast and far and strong. I have to learn how to swim to truly understand that slice of freedom. To feel the warmth of the water surrounding me.

Thank you for your gift.


I want to sit on a park bench with you, under the shade of a tree, in the middle of a gorgeous day. Tell me about your hopes, your dreams, as you sit on my lap, as I stroke your beautiful hair. Tell me about the restaurant last night--was it good, I ask, running a finger lightly across your lips, as you smile with those luminous eyes. Hold me, I ask, as we pull each other in closer, and feel the warmth, the energy, the love that surrounds ourselves. I look into the sky, hoping this moment stays, a tear coming down my face. We get up, and walk to the river, holding hands in that funny way. I kiss you on the cheek, and tell you I love you. You whisper in my ear, I love you too.

I've been here; I'll be here again.

Monday, February 11, 2008

What is my problem?

I hate sleep now, for some reason. Going back to Sunday morning, east coast time, I've been up 39 of the last 44 hours. And I'm not feeling the worse for wear. I'm sure I'll sleep well tonight, but I'd sorta prefer, well, not to. You know, that six-letter word starting with E. I won't need a holiday from my holiday.

A good rule

For all writers to remember. This one, too.

What is required is not a lot words, but effectual ones.

Seneca (4 BC - 65 AD)

All alone--mostly

Usually, when you go on holiday, you try to be with others, or a significant other, or a group. It usually makes the trip more enjoyable. Me, on my trip to Paris, I was alone. Except for my ex-colleague and his dog, who gave me shelter for three nights. (He leaves in a typically Parisian flat with a typically Parisian elevator.)

You can cover a lot of ground solo, but it's not the same as spending the day in the Louvre, admiring not just the art, but the building itself and its opulence. Or sit in a cafe--outside--and watch the parade of people march and saunter and pedal by, remarking on their clothes.

Solo is ok, but it's better to share the experience.

In the center of it all

This is what I attempt to do day in and day out. You can meditate, even as the storms of work and life swirl about you.


When it comes to food, the French understand something--everything should be, properly. Tablecloths, the wine glasses, the atmosphere, the style of the waitstaff, the coffee--the entire presentation. All properly executed.

Power plant

It wasn't as if I needed the energy--I've got gobs of it. But after walking so much in this town, and drinking in the joie de vivre, the psychic energy will be around for a long time.

Burn, baby, burn.

one note

chehaw, don't you have any more songs to sing besides the one you
always do? Don't you get bored with the same tune?

It could get dull, yes, but it's the best song I know. Shouldn't the
best be shared?

Sunday, February 10, 2008

Being young

I am young at heart, discovering new things, concepts, ideas, in the
same places. I am as open to possibilities, exploring, tinkering with
the rules and the paradigms.


should look like Paris. If not, I don't want to go.

La lumiere

To discover something again, for the first time, is a marvelous thing.
You have a drink at the cafe Trocadero, in front of the Eiffel Tower,
enjoying its orangish glow in the night sky. Once the drink is done,
you navigate around the Parisian drivers, and walk around the corner
of the Palais de Chaillot. And then, it pops out: the tower, in all
its glory and glow, searchbeam slicing through the night. For the
first time in a while, you stand there in awe, drink in the scene. A
million postcards cannot do justice to what you see, and feel. As if
you are being welcomed through the gates of a paradise.

Saturday, February 9, 2008

You see

I could be like everybody else.

But, God, how boring would that be.

In the beginning

It is the mind of the beginner, the mind of discovery.

Playing big

Why do I keep trying?
I have so much potiental, so much soul, so much heart, that to not
give it is to not release the full measure of me. I want less me and
more we in life. I want to do want my mom and my teachers taught me to
do--share what I have.

So, when you achieve want you want, then what? You are expending great
energy. Will you have any energy left?

The energy I have expended pales beside the nurturing energy I can
give. My storehouses are full to the ceilings and open. Once the
finish line is reached, then, we can begin.

Thursday, February 7, 2008

Ocean voyager

If it were possible for me to swim across the ocean, I'd dive right in. The energy I feel is boundless.
When I say I have energy, it's not just physical, it's psychic energy, soulful energy. It's hard for me to bottle it--it wants to be in the open. I don't want to bottle it. I want it out, to loop, to feed me so it can feed someone else.

Chason a la francais

My heart will sing the same song, across oceans, continents, languages. Wherever I go, my heart remains with me.

Pilot school

As a kid, I wanted to be a fighter pilot. I got all the books, built all the planes. But my eyesight, not being 20/20, failed me.

But professionally, I am still a fighter pilot. I endure long stretches of boredom for the short bursts of mayhem that always ensues. Then, when it's over, you come down to earth. And prepare to fly again.

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Flower pot

The wisdom of a saint

Why go on fighting

Reader Gerson Luiz tells the story of a rose that longed for the company of the bees, but none would come to her. Even so, the flower was still capable of dreaming. When she felt all alone, she would imagine a garden filled with bees that came to kiss her. And so she managed to resist until the next day, when she opened her petals again. “Aren’t you tired?” someone must have asked her. “No. I have to go on fighting,” answered the flower. “Why?” “Because if I don’t open up, I wither.”

This is cool...

...And so very zen, I think.

Ernest Hemingway
was bet $10 he couldn't write a story in six words.

For sale. Baby shoes. Never worn.

Needless to say, Papa collected.

Smith magazine took the idea and ran with it. They invited readers to boil down their lives to six precious words. Can you boil your life story down? Give it a shot.

Always trying. Sometimes failing. Never stopping.
This cover hides an intriguing world.
A black eagle soars into infinity.

Collected wisdom

If you don't understand the Way as it meets your eyes, how can you know the Path as you walk?


Sakka asked: "What is the cause of self-interest?"
The Buddha answered: "It is perception of the world as one's object."
"How does one overcome this perception of the world as apart from oneself?"
"By acting for the increase of goodness and happiness. It is in this way that the world ceases to be one's object."

-Digha Nikaya

Studying the Buddha way is studying oneself.
Studying oneself is forgetting oneself.
Forgetting oneself is being enlightened by all things.
Being enlightened by all things is to shed the body-mind of oneself, and those of others.
No trace of enlightenment remains, and this traceless enlightenment
continues endlessly.

--Dogen Zenji

If you shape your life according to nature, you will never be poor; if according to people's opinions, you will never be rich.


(Hat tips here and here)

Giving breath

Breathe in deeply, touch the center of yourself, the bright, warm center. Epxand yourself, expand your soul. Keep it open for all to see and feel.

I don't get it

I really don't.

The other night, I was having dinner, and noticed an attractive woman a few seats away. It seemed like she was waiting for someone. Overhearing the conversation, she was waiting for a guy she's met online--it was to be their first meeting. And she waited. And waited. And waited. She ducked out of the place a couple of times, ostensibly to call the guy and find out what the deal was. I was in the restaurant for two hours, and the guy didn't bother showing up.

For the life of me, I don't understand why we men treat women like this. I don't get it. I have never stood up anyone, and would never do it. I am certainly not perfect (as I know all too well), but I have more awareness than this jerk.

I don't understand.

Planes and trains

For the past three nights, I have been dreaming about airports and trains. Could it be about my trip later? Maybe...

(The sex dreams I'll keep to myself...)

A manifesto

(Lost treasure...)

This manifesto was borne of frustration, anger, wanderlust, wanting to experience what's good, and three very good
Peroni beers. And a friend's 42-hour trip to Brussels.

I don't make New Year's resolutions. If I need to make a change, I will make it now. More and more, I see the calendar as a part of, hopefully, 85 to 90 years. A continuum. Not separate pieces, but part of the whole.

But I am making myself a promise. There are 12 months in a year. And about 52 Saturdays. The deal is simply this. To find 12 cities, and have lunch in a really good place on a Saturday. I want to have a enjoyable, even sumptuous, lunch. One Saturday a month. That's all. Like Duke Ellington, I'm not asking for much. Only what is good.

This may become an expensive proposition. And frankly, I'd rather spend the money on someone else than me. But at this moment, I don't give a good fucking goddamn right now.

The list? It's a tentative list, subject to revisions. And I reserve the right to add and subtract cities, and kill the project altogether when it suits me. Brunch counts. They are--from the top of my head--Washington, Philadelphia, Baltimore, New York, Boston, Montreal, Toronto, New Hope, Red Hook, Home (home home, not where I am now), Atlanta, Paris, Brussels, London, Frankfurt, Amsterdam, Stockholm. Yes, you are seeing the last five cities right. One of these lunches will be a quick 42-hour jaunt, solely to have lunch in Europe. Why? Because I can. Because I want to.

This idea has been kicking around in my head for a couple of weeks. Why? Because. I don't give a good, well, you know.

I'm giving myself an out because, things happen. They do. Life intrudes. This idea may end in 24 hours.

In any case, city/restaurant ideas welcome.