Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Snapper

Six months ago, something really bad happened to me. My heart was broken. And I reacted the way most people would--bitterness, sadness, anger, despair. I wondered why God was treating me so badly. I had done everything I could to make her happy. Or at least I thought I had. I wallowed, I cried, I threw pity parties.

Then, somewhere along the line, I snapped.

The wallowing and moping and being depressed became temporary. I found myself dusting myself off, getting up, and moving forward, higher. Stronger. Anytime I found myself down, it wasn't for long.

What happened?

There is nothing like a disaster to open your eyes. And mine were opened wide. With a two by four.

What have I done for the past six months? Become greater. My spirituality, my health, my soul have become greater. I've always tried to be good for myself and for others, innately. Now, I do it consciously, fully, in awareness.

There have been times where I've wanted to sit down and be quiet, say nothing, write nothing. But every time that idea comes in my mind, another idea says tell the world who you are, what you can do and what you can be. For someone, for others.

I have always lived my life for others, even as I live for myself. The one thing I understand in life is that there is something greater than myself, and I want to experience it. I want to inhabit it. I want to live it.

Everyday, my heart beats for what it wants, what I want. I want to be a husband, father, friend, confidante, lover, sensei, philosopher to a great, loving woman. There, it's out in the universe. This is what I want. And when I reach it, then, I can truly begin to give what I possess--heart, soul, spirit, love, passion.

I want my words and my presence to give that woman safe harbor and comfort. I want my words and my presence to be strength, to be a rock for a woman.

Yes, it hurts a bit to have so much energy and no place to truly put it. But it would hurt more not to have the energy to begin with.

I can be friends with a woman. But it's hard for me to be just friends with someone I feel a very close bond, a close connection to. It is not about me wanting more of her; it is about me wanting to give more of me to someone I feel is out of this world. They don't come often for me, and I want to keep them in my life.

I don't want to apologize for what I feel, but I will apologize for this: I am sorry I can be too much sometimes. But I'm persistent. It's in my nature.

Bad times test the will and the strength of us all. The question is what you do in the face of tough times. I transform difficulties into triumphs. I transform sadness into love, and a wall into a ladder.

I can accomplish so much. I have accomplished so much. I am ready to accomplish more.

I've said it before--I want a great, loving relationship with a great, loving woman.

My words are not borne of defiance, or stubborness. They are from heart, love, passion, soul, spirit. They are from what all five can accomplish. What is possible for me to do and to be.

I snapped, but the snapping was something joyous. Something good.

No comments: