Retreat

I decided Friday not to blog this past weekend. This is the first time I've touched my blog since then. I stopped (mostly) from checking email, RSS feeds, IM, and the news. They got backed up, but I can live with it. I wanted to fast, give up some things for awhile.

Why did I do this? I wanted to rest. My meditation on passion was more than a list. I wanted to see what was inside of me, draw it out. I've seen it. There's more around, but it's out there now. Now, it's what's next. Next, a respite. Drawing everything inside me: the happiness, the joy, the pain, the suffering--drawing them in me, and releasing them. Like a breath--inhaling, then exhaling. Becoming my breath, becoming me.

Why fast? It is a cleansing of the spirit, an opening of the spirit, to receive more. It is looking inside, to see what is there and what remains to be gathered. To go down inside, to come back out again.

I don't what to be selfish in the things I do in life, but here, at least, I want to and need to be. This has been for me, and me alone. If others take something useful from it, all the better.

I rested to give myself a breather. To rest my fingers. To rest my head and recharge it. I wanted my thoughts and feelings to float, stir, marinate, appear, disappear, reappear. Just be. Roam, play, wander, without having to go anywhere. Ask questions without worrying about answers. Get answers, and not care about where the questions came from. Give up writing--for awhile--and pick it up again. So this may ramble a bit.

My body was tired from a long workweek. My soul and spirit needed a rest. I gave all of them what they wanted and needed.

Fasting takes faith. Faith in yourself to keep the promise you made to yourself. That in itself is a test. Sometimes a blog, or email, or RSS feeds can be distracting from yourself. The noise of everyday life can be overwhelming, to the point where you lose sight of yourself and where you are and who you can be. This weekend helped bring me back to center.

Questions come up without those distractions. Questions of passion, love, faith, hope, sacrifice, friendship, pride, manhood. What lessons remain for me to learn? Is the journey hard on purpose, to see what we are made of? What forms does love take? What sacrifices must I make to be happy? Why do I have to ask so many questions?

Fasting is not a place for self-pity or wallowing. It is a place for reflection. To plumb the depths of your soul. Root around, to see your strengths, and to polish what has become dull, darkened. Fasting is a workout, a spiritual one, to build muscles there, but sometimes not seen.

I've realized over the past few weeks that while my spirit can be knocked about, it is ultimately indomitable. I want what is best for me, and I am trying to achieve it. That is part of the journey I am embarking on. I've been down many roads, but not this one. I know the ultimate destination, but I don't have a map. The routes are foreign. The road not smooth. I wonder can I make this endeavor. What will be there for me at the end? Am I even in the right place?

I have talked a little bit about stereotypes before. Is it arrogance to not what to be like everyone else, to know what you have already? I hope not. I am a black male. Society thinks I need to be certain things, most of which I have little use for. The roles and the values I seek and want are much stronger and deeper than that. I understand what manhood is, true manhood; it's not what is shown on a video. It is so much more, so much deeper, than that. I tend to march to my own drummer. Which makes me different, gives me another perspective on life. Am I less of a man to have embarked upon this journey? No, to be a man, to be a human, you have to face moments like this. Moments where it is you and you alone. And move ahead.

Love. I have been asking myself what is love, and what love can be. Love is compassion. Love is selfless. To give and give until I can't give anymore. And then, give more. It's not about control. I can't control anyone. Sometimes, I've had to let love go, and it hurt deeply. Especially when the person gave freely as much as I gave. I have to give the full measure of myself in everything I do. If I can't, I tend to walk away. I will be hurt, and the other person will be hurt, but I don't know how to be there less than fully. It is something I haven't learned yet. Maybe this journey will teach me that. Maybe this journey will teach me more about love than I think I already know. If I hang on, linger, it's not because of clinginess, or desperation. Only because it's good. I want to pass on the goodness that has been given to me, let it flow back to that source. Allow it to flow. When I have reached inside of me lately, I have not found anger, I have only found love. True and deep. Even if it has meant separating myself, walking away from something I value deeply. Walking away is difficult. I should empty my cup.

What about friendship? Can friendship co-exist if desire exists on one side, and not the other? Is true friendship true love? Can friends remain friends after tumult? How does the nature of friendship change after that tumult? How deep are the roots of friendship? How strong can friendship be? This I can say--friendship is compassion. I am grateful to have seen this, to be awakened to it.

And back to love--is one kind of love more worthy, more special than another? Simply, I don't know. And that is fine. I have to find out. Again, questions.

The heart is a glorious device, physically and emotionally. It gets stressed, strained, broken, but it can repair itself. Mine is repaired, and stands ready.

I have let go of control. I have let things be. Let things go. Breathe them in, then exhale. Let go of my ego. Relaxed my grip.

Is love in places unseen? Are we awake to see these places?

I wanted to be empty this weekend. Empty of thoughts and feelings, even if it was only for seconds at a time. Most people are scared of emptiness, stillness. We feel a constant need to be going, going, going. We are not the Energizer Bunny. We need a recharge. To be still, and for even a few moments have nothing stirring inside, even as the world churns, bringing perspective. It makes you ready for the world again.

Sunday morning, I meditated. I just decided to lie down flat, palms outstretched, eyes closed, and just lie there. Allow thoughts and feelings to come inside, and then flow out. To breathe in, and breathe out, in silence. The music that usually plays in my head was stilled. It was a relevatory experience. At one point, I crossed my hands on my chest, feeling my heart beat, and feeling the blood, life, coursing through me. Some questions were asked, and a few answered. Some were not. And that is fine. Everything can't be answered in 40 minutes. It was good to find a place of peace.

Life is a journey of discovery. There are aspects you want to see, and aspects you wish you didn't. But you learn along the way. And, consciously or subconsciously, we help each other discover. We take, and we give, and vice versa. To be aware and awake. It's hard to find out that you really don't know as much as you thought you did. That's why you have to keep learning.

Life is a wondrous thing. Sometimes you try so hard to give someone what you hope, pray, they want and deserve. Sometimes, you fail. But sometimes, in the bargain, you give something wholly unexpected. And it works in reverse. Someone gives you more than they ever expected.

Life sometimes is not linear. Sometimes, it looks more like a child's first attempt at drawing. A mash, mess of squiggles that at first blush looks like nothing. But it is an attempt to experiment, to see what can happen. And to keep trying.

I feel that my roots are deepening. The foundation is becoming stronger. I want my roots to spread, and never stop growing. I want, and need, rain, metaphorical rain, to continue to grow. I want to always feel my soul, I want it to be ever-present, never go away.

I have fasted, I think, to prepare for this journey. To where, I have to put my canoe into deep water.

I am grateful for this journey. It won't be a walk in the park. I am grateful to be tested like this. It sounds odd, but unless you get tested every so often, how do you know what you have?

To be naked in the world is difficult. Again, this has been solely for me. Even saying this, I want to release the I and me. And try try try.

If anyone takes anything positive from all this, I will be glad.